They carry much weight, those three words.

It’s somewhat of a currency early in a relationship – saying ‘I love you’ is a major milestone, an indicator that you are no longer just fooling around, that you have something real together.

Hearing it back is validation that you’re both on the same page when it comes to your feelings for each other.

Surprisingly (well for me, anyway), researchers have found in a recent study that in 70% of cases, it is the men that say ‘I love you’ first.

Relationship experts on both sides of the fence will urge their respective teams not to “give in” and blurt it out first for fear that they will capsize the relationship and lose the upper hand in the game of love.

If you want to play those games, then fine.

But if you really do have feelings for the person you’re with, I find it’s best to put game-playing to one side and go with your gut.

There’s no magic formula for the right time to say ‘I love you’, though experts and science boffins have tried to put time constraints on the situation (10 dates or four months is reportedly ideal), so you need to rely on being able to read your own individual situation.

However, you can’t say it too soon, or it loses all its worth.

Cranking it out during the first month of dating is extreme, no matter who you are.

Even if you do find yourself falling head over heels at first sight, keep that information to yourself for a little longer.

You don’t want the object of your heart’s desire to think you walk around telling everyone you love them on the third date.

In fact, ladies take note: timing is everything, according to the abovementioned study. It should also be disclosed that if a man is declaring love before you’ve slept together, he’s less likely to be interested in a long-term relationship.

Say it too late or bicker over saying it and you may just ruin everything.

For some, ‘I love you’ is hard to say – as if they think it’s the equivalent of marriage. These are the people that may have never told anyone they love them, regardless of how they feel.

They might prefer to let their actions speak louder than the words they will never actually say.

For others, it seems way too easy as they slip it into every conversation: “I’m just popping out to get some milk – I love you!”

Whatever your style, Valentine’s Day isn’t all that far away. If there is ever a day to say it and mean it, it’s surely then.

Everywhere you look, people are gobsmacked. I thought they were solid. We all did. I was quoted just recently in an article, citing their dedication to each other as something to look up to.

They renewed their marriage vows every year, they are doting parents to four children, they always seemed so clearly – so obviously – in love.

All of a sudden it’s like we’ve all been told Santa doesn’t exist.

Seal himself is surprised by the news, as he told Ellen DeGeneres. He is still wearing his wedding band and says he still has the deepest respect and love for Heidi, but:

“These things happen.”

Do they? Is that true? It terrifies me that one day a relationship can seem fine and the next it’s a separation that shocks even the active participants in the relationship.

Whatever the reason, who on earth can we look to now to be role models when it comes to love?

Your parents are your first examples of how to conduct yourself in a relationship.

They teach us so much. How to talk and walk, brush our teeth and ride bicycles.

And even as tiny children, we glean clues from them on what it means to be in love, many of which we ourselves carry into our own relationships when we grow up.

What we don’t learn subconsciously, we learn because our parents out-and-out offered verbal advice about love, particularly through our teenage years when we were trying to figure it all out.

How did your parents handle conflict? Were they affectionate in front of you? Did each have defined roles in the household or was the workload shared?

Think about your relationships now: how much of that have you carried with you into your own life?

I was fortunate enough to have parents who set me an incredible example. They really did stick with each other through better and worse, and in sickness too. They stuck by each other and loved each other right up until the day my father died. I could not have asked for better role models in love.

Don’t think it’s all over for you though, if your parents didn’t get it right. You can unlearn destructive mindsets and habits.

My own parents, though their marriage was wonderful, didn’t have good examples growing up. But it made them more determined to not carry those bad behaviours into their own marriage. They made a conscious choice to be the exact opposite of their parents. And it paid off.

Forgive your parents if they have not taught you well. They did the best they could. Then decide for yourself what kind of relationships you want to have and set about learning the skills you need to make that happen.

And lastly, let’s all choose to still have faith in true love. Regardless of what’s going on in the headlines or even our own houses, if we lose hope altogether, then the world will be a much sadder place.

I’ve long been obsessed with memories. I’m fascinated by how subjective and slippery they are – how we never really know what actually happened, we just have to trust in our brains to feed us the right information.

Even when I think back to the day Den proposed to me, my recollections are hazy. I remember what I was wearing, but then again maybe that’s just because I have photos to prove it. I remember snatches of the morning – being in a really grouchy mood to start with, stopping for coffee along the way at the Brighton Baths, overlooking the water from the shaded deck where we drank our lattes… I remember being blindfolded, though not what I was blindfolded with. I don’t recall what I chattered about in the car as Den drove me through suburban Melbourne, him sitting in nervous silence and me finally perky after some much-needed caffeine.

I remember being led from the car through parkland to a quiet spot away from prying eyes.

I remember taking off the blindfold and seeing Den kneeling in front of me, holding a huge, gaudy plastic toy diamond ring.

I can’t for the life of me remember what he said, and that kills me.

That’s the bit I want to know the most! What on earth did he say to me? There were too many other thoughts rushing through my head. I said yes, we laughed, we cried a little, we popped open a bottle of Champagne.

I remember declining to call anyone right away, I really wanted it to just be the two of us for an hour or so while it all sunk in… but then we went for a walk through the park where he had proposed and we found all of our closest family and friends crowded under a tree, waiting with wine and a picnic to celebrate with us. The rest of the day is a blur.

I want so desperately to know what happened in every second of that day and we just aren’t built like that for total recall.

Imagine if you lost five whole years of your life? If you couldn’t remember ever meeting or even marrying your partner. Seems like it could so easily slip away, just like every other missing moment of your life. It’s inspired by a true story and stars Rachel McAdams, who I love.

This movie – it looks like just the kind of movie I will fall in love with instantly.

We have ten double passes to see The Vow to give away to our Australian readers. Just comment below and tell us your most romantic memory for your chance to win! Competition closes Wednesday 8 February.

© 2012 CTMG. All Rights Reserved

If you believe the Mayan conspiracy theorists or even that nut job that is holding out that his third (or is it fourth?) apocalypse prediction will eventually come true, this may be our last year on Earth.

Here’s a question for you though: If your days really were numbered, what would you do differently in your relationship?

Most of us are accustomed to making our own personal New Year resolutions. Lose weight. Do more yoga. Drink less. Save money.

But one thing people aren’t very good at is recognising what they need to do in their relationships to make them better, and actively trying to improve.

A more common strategy in recent years has been: Relationship not working? Quick, get the hell out of there! Find the right person, this clearly isn’t them.

Marriages lately are over faster than you can say Kardashian.

Forget the apocalypse, if we keep modelling our relationships on celebrity marriages and chasing sky-high Hollywood rom-com expectations and if we can’t learn to recognise that relationships are never instantly going to be great – that they are a life’s work, a continual evolvement of yourself and your union – then we really are all doomed.

What can you resolve to do better in your relationships this year?

If we really only had this year left, I wager many people would resolve to stop taking their partner for granted.

It’s an easy trap of a long term relationship – we humans love our routines so much that it’s easy to trip and fall right into one without even realising. We just assume our partner will always be there for us and we stop trying so hard. Big mistake.

Perhaps you know you and your partner aren’t always so nice to each other. It’s easy to get grouchy when day-to-day stresses get in the way and patterns of snippy comments aimed at your partner are hard to break. Life (and relationships) are too short for being grumpy. Be nicer to each other.

The potential is endless: Have More Adventures, Spend More Time Together, Stop Walking Out During Arguments, Don’t Be So Clingy…

What is it that your relationship will benefit from in 2012? Work it out and consciously aim to be better at it. That is how relationships grow. That is how they evolve and become lifelong partnerships.

No one ever said it would be easy, or automatic. A perfect relationship? There’s no app for that. No quick solution. But all it does require is commitment and a willingness to work through it.

The benefit of making resolutions as a couple is that you’re accountable to someone. Set the ground rules and help each other stick to them.

If we only have one year left, let’s make it a loved-up one.

You’d think that working for ourselves, we’d be able to get out during the day to enjoy it, but that isn’t always so. I finally managed to drag Den out of the house just after 5pm to get in the last few hours of sunlight (Daylight savings, we love you).

As he’s on a weird diet right now, a lot of our food options were cut out. Den is basically feasting on protein and fats for thirteen days straight – that means four eggs and bacon for breakfast, no toast. Sausages and a slab of cheese for lunch. He can have a bit of salad but no fruit, no sugar, no breads, no pasta…

It’s only day four and he was feeling in a bit of a food rut so I wanted to take him somewhere he could eat something a bit different.

Cue Hunky Dory. Great little fish and burger bar. They have several locations around Melbourne, but I’m of the opinion the Port Melbourne one is still the best. Communal outdoor seating, a great vibe on a summer day and serving up some delicious and under-budget fish and chips.

It’s been awhile since I’ve dated Den – yes, work and other commitments get in the way even for us and we do this practically full time! The important thing is, daters, to get back on the date night horse ASAP.

I ordered him the salmon steak with a huge salad, and was looking forward to a burger myself but it turns out they won’t do burgers when the joint is pumping, so I settled for grilled flake with chips, calamari and a potato cake. All delicious – they coat the fish in some sort of spice mix before they grill it and it’s great!

After dinner, we headed to the water. Port Melbourne’s bay isn’t the prettiest beach in the world, but that doesn’t stop everyone from getting in the water (everyone but me, that is. This is the bay that our city sits on and… well, I’m a little dubious about the water quality) – the Spirit of Tasmania was sitting right there getting ready to head south for the night and it was quite a picturesque scene.

We took a relaxed walk, lounged around for a bit and then headed home to watch a movie together. Very low-key, not all that exciting but the perfect last minute date for when you realise you have a night together to spare and aren’t quite sure what to do!

I promise we’ll get more organised soon and review some really fun things for you guys.

In the meantime, what’s your favourite go-to date night when you don’t have time to plan anything fancy?

Well, I’m all that.

And to add to the fun, all the expected relationship stress has peaked this week as well.

So now I’m exhausted, stressed, knee-deep in boxes and – when provoked – prone to occasional outbursts of tears and yelling.

I know I’m not alone in this because my friend M also moved just recently, and she warned me in advance that there would be tears.

Crying is one way we women deal with stress.

Luckily, all my glassware and vases are packed away safely in bubble wrap, or I may be tempted to start throwing them.

What doesn’t help about moving house together is that you’re both just as worn out as each other. Everyone’s coping skills have hit rock bottom.

And who best to take that out on? Why, each other, of course.

Which brings me to the real point of this column: How do you support your partner when you know they’re stressed, they’re tired and they’re struggling… but they’re taking it all out on you?

Being in the firing line isn’t much fun. No one likes to be a punching bag. Even among the most patient of us, something eventually has to give.

Cue a good argument where everyone can let off some steam.

The real problem comes when you’re not being the instigator – but your partner is doing everything they can to pick a fight.

You start by trying to be understanding. Then you quickly move to being silently annoyed, and finally turn an ugly shade of purple while you have it out with each other.

This vicious cycle makes me wonder how author Laura Munson got through her own husband’s hissy fit.

He came home one day and announced he wanted a divorce. He didn’t love her anymore, and he wasn’t sure he ever did.

She calmly told him no. No divorce. And then gave him space, in his own home, to sort out his feelings. She waited for him to come to his senses. And he did.

She likens it to a toddler tantrum:

“Here’s a visual: Child throws a temper tantrum. Tries to hit his mother. But the mother doesn’t hit back, lecture or punish. Instead, she ducks. Then she tries to go about her business as if the tantrum isn’t happening. She doesn’t “reward” the tantrum. She simply doesn’t take the tantrum personally because, after all, it’s not about her.”

Men and women deal with stressful situations differently. And it all comes down to the hormones.

The hormone cortisol is released when anyone is stressed. But women get a big dose of oxytocin on the side – affectionately known as the ‘cuddle hormone’, it works to drive women to nurture others and connect with people to help alleviate their stress.

We talk it out, usually with a bestie or with our partner. The experts call it the ‘tend and befriend’ response to stressors.

Men, on the other hand, aren’t blessed with the soothing effects of oxytocin. Which means they are the true representation of the flight or fight response when it comes to stress – they either retreat into their own little world or they lash out and fight back.

If there is no worthy opponent to fight with? Well, you’ll do just fine.

So when both partners are stressed, it makes it very hard for a stressed woman who wants to nurture something – anything! – when that someone is intent on lashing out constantly.

Couples going through stressful times should try and communicate if they can. Stay intimate. Turn towards each other and lean on each other, rather than turning away and sharing your problems with friends.

And if all that fails, dredge up the last of your patience, take a deep breath and try and give your partner some room. Luckily for us, we have separate offices in our new place so time alone won’t be a problem.

Originally written for mX Newspaper, May 2011

Both give us hope.

Hope that there’s something magical going on out there. That fairytales really do exist. And that true love is real.

Let’s start with princesses. So rare, kids can be forgiven for thinking they’re make-believe.

When I was a little girl, Disney ran through my veins.

This isn’t unusual. Aurora, Aerial and Cinderella still capture the attention of wide-eyed princesses-in-training everywhere, despite some parents’ best efforts to stop it.

Even now, when I know they’re not amazing role models for women – even when I aspire to be more than just some hot prince’s damsel-in-distress arm candy, the small flicker of fantasy still sits somewhere in my stomach.

Why do so many of us, even in our modern, evermore republican society, still hold out secret hopes of becoming a princess?

Well, princesses do have many great things going for them. They are universally (well, in Disney’s universe) kind and generous. They have shiny hair and standout vocal chords.

Despite their tarnished brand (Set against our modern world, princesses can look a little lazy and incompetent, perhaps a little lacking in ambition) there is a lot that can appeal about being a princess.

More than anything, the fantasy seems like an easy ticket to joy. Princesses get to live Happily Ever After without a care in the world, right? Someone else makes all the hard decisions for them. Waits on them hand and foot.

What high-level management female or stressed mother wouldn’t fantasise about that every now and then?

Usually these princesses get all this right after they marry their One True Love – the handsome prince.

Which brings us to weddings.

When I wasn’t watching my graceful heroines get whisked off on white horses, I was submerged in wedding plans. I have a picture of myself, age 4, in my normal clothes with the addition of a bouquet and a veil.

When I wasn’t marrying my imaginary princes, I was making my Barbie dolls to walk the aisle and say their vows too, usually forcing them into an arranged marriage with a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

As far as I was concerned, being a bride was the closest I was ever going to get to princessdom. You get to play princess, if only for a day.

Even as an adult, that instinct remains. Bridezillas everywhere stake their claim to be princess for a day and aren’t letting anyone get in their way of having their moment.

Ladies-in-waiting, tiered cakes, waltzing on the dance floor with a handsome prince in a schmick suit. A storyline Walt himself could have written.

I still love the idea of a wedding.

If a bride anywhere passes me by, I stop to gawk. There really is nothing more radiant than a bride on her wedding day. It’s that look of love on a wedding day that keeps us believing in true love.

It’s almost like finding out the Easter Bunny is real after all.

Is it any wonder, then, that the entire world is captivated right now by Kate and Wills?

What’s better than a wedding or a princess? A princess wedding of course!

This wedding is a real life fairytale that is awakening hope in every red-blooded female across the land.

Gorgeous, normal girl-next-door Kate, who captured the attention of the most eligible bachelor in England (and possibly the world) and who tonight will become Her Royal Highness Princess Catherine.

And while we might not all become royalty, it does give us hope that one day we may find our own personal prince to wait for us at the end of the aisle.

But don’t be deceived. Living a charmed royal life will not necessarily spell an automatic Happily Ever After for our prince and princess. While it’s tempting to believe that being a princess will magically eliminate all the hardships from your life, the reality won’t be quite so easy for our Catherine and Will.

It’s still a marriage, after all.

Originally published in mX Newspaper, April 2011

To be exact, women like a man more if they’re unsure about whether he’s interested in them or not. They thrive on it, in fact.

A recent study, titled “He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not…” and using only women as the test subjects, had two findings.

First, they confirmed the already-existing principle of reciprocity – we tend to like men if we know they like us too – moreso than if we know the same men think we’re average, anyway. Not much of a surprise there.

The twist came with the third control group of women, who were not set up at all by the researchers to think these men either liked or disliked them. These women were told the men they were ranking could have either “liked them” or thought they were “average”.

When the women were uncertain about how they were graded by these men, the response scale went through the roof. We respond much better to uncertainty and mystery.

We’ve all observed it firsthand in the dating world. Girlfriends of mine are known to obsess over the men that give mixed messages, and quickly dispose of the ones that are clearly into them.

And we say we hate it when people play games. Pfffft. Seems like games are necessary, ladies, if a man is to get anywhere with you.

One character featured heavily in pick-up manual The Game is onto it – so much so that he even resorts to calling himself Mystery (a little screamingly obvious if you ask me, but hey. Each to their own.)

Mystery notes that what women say and how they actually react are often two different things entirely. We may say we would prefer it if we knew a man liked us, but judging by this new study, we’d be lying.

So strong is this hardwired urge, that cult dating book The Rules has to spell it out for us in no uncertain terms: You want him to like you, ladies. If he’s paying you attention, if he’s obviously into you, then don’t let it put you off.

That’s half the battle – finding another person that actually likes you.

Don’t throw it away in favour of chasing a little excitement. I wonder why we’d prefer to play roulette with our hearts than go for a sure bet.

You may have noticed that certain type of girl who obsesses over a man when she’s not sure how he feels about her – and then, once it’s clear he’s into her, she reassesses and decides she doesn’t like him so much after all.

Be clear about what you want, and be careful that you don’t overlook the nice guys, because despite hardwired attraction, almost every single female I’ve ever asked says she wants the nice guy.

Mr. Mysterious may turn out to genuinely like you in the end, or he may just lead you down the garden path and then disappear to Wonderland, never to be seen again.

Image Source

Like everything else, the PDA has adapted with our tech-savvy world and what we now also have is the original PDA’s pixellated cousin – the ODA (Online Display of Affection).

Listing status updates like “I love my pumpkin pie” on a public forum like Twitter or Facebook is the digital equivalent of dry-humping in a café.

Announcing to your entire network: When he’s not around, I feel empty, sad. I can’t wait for the weekend to hold my love does not inspire the reaction you think it might from your friends.

More than likely, instead of getting misty-eyed at the magic of love, they’re dry-reaching over their keyboard.

It’s a phenomenon that was once saved for the annual love classifieds, published every Valentine’s Day in papers around the world. I used to gleefully read out the dedications to “Smoochy-bear”, written tenderly by “Your Little Turtle” and giggle. Now it’s in our newsfeeds and getting harder to take!

STFUCouples.com (Sometimes NSFW) is a website dedicated to logging couples’ soppy online antics, complete with cutting commentary. Their thousands of regular readers joyfully log on every day to get a good giggle from such gems as:

The smell of your bare skin, the touch of your fingertips, the sweet taste of your lips, your eyes that pull me in… posted on her boyfriend’s wall. For everyone to read. I’m not joking; I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

Another entire bedtime discussion between two lovers ends in:
Sweet dreams, babygirl. I love you. *throws you a kiss*, followed closely by “babygirl”, who: *catches it*

You get the feeling they may even be in the same house while posting.

To me, any of the above is an instant defriending offense.

But don’t try and cross a couple who want to play their relationship out in public like this. Though they want you to see how desperately in love they are, they don’t want you to comment on it.

STFUCouples.com gets a lot of people telling them they’re just “jellus” of true love.

Unfortunately, it’s not so. The owner of the site is married herself, as are many of the regular followers.

They just know how to keep it in their inboxes, not on their walls.

M made the mistake of commenting on a loved-up wall post with the classic “Oh, please, get a room you two.”

She was then bullied to bits in follow-up comments by Cupid’s Army: Defenders of PDA Everywhere.

Leave them alone they whined They’re allowed to sho their luv.

“Yes, and I’m allowed to be repulsed when they do it publicly.” Says M – who is happily in a long term relationship of her own, I might add, despite commenters telling her she was boring and didn’t know anything about love.

“The saddest thing was that one called me naïve… but she misspelled the word.”

The point is, you can show your partner some love online, but, just like in real life it’s all about how you do it.

Sure, give them a shout-out on special occasions – especially if you received a gift worthy of showing off to your friends.

Post photos of yourselves kissing but only if they’re from your wedding – and even then, you’re probably pushing it a little.

But for the most part, keep your soppy, love-poem graffiti off my wall, thank you very much.

The date idea has been sitting innocently in our date ideas generator for years now. I see it every now and then and resolve to go along. When the Y date idea in our alphabet dates arrived, I couldn’t resist any longer.

I didn’t tell Den about it ahead of time – I find that if he has a preconceived notion of a date, he’ll bag it right away. It’s part of him hating to leave his comfort zone. I’ve made the mistake before of telling him where we were going when I knew he wouldn’t like it – it doesn’t bode well for a fun date. He gets all negative about it before he’s even had a go (Ten Pin Bowling and Strawberry Picking leap to mind). Usually, once we’re there and in the midst of it, he loves it.

We rolled up to Federation Square, Melbourne CBD. The middle of the city on a Sunday morning. Lots of people around to witness the ridiculousness (and yes, it is purposely ridiculous) of our little Laughter Yoga group.

The concept is simple: Laugh for no reason. The laughter leader takes you through a series of exercises incorporating breathing, rhythm and fake laughter. Pretty soon, the laughter stops being fake and turns to real laughter. You move around the group during your exercise, making eye contact with other members in order to contagiously spread the mirth.

I always laughed hardest when I caught Den’s eye – him too. Mostly because we were, I’ll admit, slightly mortified at what we were doing acting like lunatics on a Sunday morning in the middle of the city. It was hilarious. I caught Den wiping away tears of laughter at one point.

The practice goes for about half an hour, then you regroup and decompress – an important part of the process.

Straight afterwards, I felt light and happy and great. Then I crashed a bit – a common side effect if you don’t “ground” yourself enough following the session. I felt wiped out, frustrated, angry and sad all at once. There were a few tears. I wasn’t myself the rest of the day. I’m an emotional person at the best of times, and this had clearly stirred something up. Looking online, I found it was normal to clear away some bad emotions. I’m sure with more frequent practice, you can get to the feeling good bit.

Regardless of that, it was still a fun date. It met all the requirements we need – under $30 (free, in fact!), something we’ve never done before and something that pushed our comfort circles.

We made a little video for you to see. Find a laughing club near you and try it out!