If you believe the Mayan conspiracy theorists or even that nut job that is holding out that his third (or is it fourth?) apocalypse prediction will eventually come true, this may be our last year on Earth.

Here’s a question for you though: If your days really were numbered, what would you do differently in your relationship?

Most of us are accustomed to making our own personal New Year resolutions. Lose weight. Do more yoga. Drink less. Save money.

But one thing people aren’t very good at is recognising what they need to do in their relationships to make them better, and actively trying to improve.

A more common strategy in recent years has been: Relationship not working? Quick, get the hell out of there! Find the right person, this clearly isn’t them.

Marriages lately are over faster than you can say Kardashian.

Forget the apocalypse, if we keep modelling our relationships on celebrity marriages and chasing sky-high Hollywood rom-com expectations and if we can’t learn to recognise that relationships are never instantly going to be great – that they are a life’s work, a continual evolvement of yourself and your union – then we really are all doomed.

What can you resolve to do better in your relationships this year?

If we really only had this year left, I wager many people would resolve to stop taking their partner for granted.

It’s an easy trap of a long term relationship – we humans love our routines so much that it’s easy to trip and fall right into one without even realising. We just assume our partner will always be there for us and we stop trying so hard. Big mistake.

Perhaps you know you and your partner aren’t always so nice to each other. It’s easy to get grouchy when day-to-day stresses get in the way and patterns of snippy comments aimed at your partner are hard to break. Life (and relationships) are too short for being grumpy. Be nicer to each other.

The potential is endless: Have More Adventures, Spend More Time Together, Stop Walking Out During Arguments, Don’t Be So Clingy…

What is it that your relationship will benefit from in 2012? Work it out and consciously aim to be better at it. That is how relationships grow. That is how they evolve and become lifelong partnerships.

No one ever said it would be easy, or automatic. A perfect relationship? There’s no app for that. No quick solution. But all it does require is commitment and a willingness to work through it.

The benefit of making resolutions as a couple is that you’re accountable to someone. Set the ground rules and help each other stick to them.

If we only have one year left, let’s make it a loved-up one.

Well, I’m all that.

And to add to the fun, all the expected relationship stress has peaked this week as well.

So now I’m exhausted, stressed, knee-deep in boxes and – when provoked – prone to occasional outbursts of tears and yelling.

I know I’m not alone in this because my friend M also moved just recently, and she warned me in advance that there would be tears.

Crying is one way we women deal with stress.

Luckily, all my glassware and vases are packed away safely in bubble wrap, or I may be tempted to start throwing them.

What doesn’t help about moving house together is that you’re both just as worn out as each other. Everyone’s coping skills have hit rock bottom.

And who best to take that out on? Why, each other, of course.

Which brings me to the real point of this column: How do you support your partner when you know they’re stressed, they’re tired and they’re struggling… but they’re taking it all out on you?

Being in the firing line isn’t much fun. No one likes to be a punching bag. Even among the most patient of us, something eventually has to give.

Cue a good argument where everyone can let off some steam.

The real problem comes when you’re not being the instigator – but your partner is doing everything they can to pick a fight.

You start by trying to be understanding. Then you quickly move to being silently annoyed, and finally turn an ugly shade of purple while you have it out with each other.

This vicious cycle makes me wonder how author Laura Munson got through her own husband’s hissy fit.

He came home one day and announced he wanted a divorce. He didn’t love her anymore, and he wasn’t sure he ever did.

She calmly told him no. No divorce. And then gave him space, in his own home, to sort out his feelings. She waited for him to come to his senses. And he did.

She likens it to a toddler tantrum:

“Here’s a visual: Child throws a temper tantrum. Tries to hit his mother. But the mother doesn’t hit back, lecture or punish. Instead, she ducks. Then she tries to go about her business as if the tantrum isn’t happening. She doesn’t “reward” the tantrum. She simply doesn’t take the tantrum personally because, after all, it’s not about her.”

Men and women deal with stressful situations differently. And it all comes down to the hormones.

The hormone cortisol is released when anyone is stressed. But women get a big dose of oxytocin on the side – affectionately known as the ‘cuddle hormone’, it works to drive women to nurture others and connect with people to help alleviate their stress.

We talk it out, usually with a bestie or with our partner. The experts call it the ‘tend and befriend’ response to stressors.

Men, on the other hand, aren’t blessed with the soothing effects of oxytocin. Which means they are the true representation of the flight or fight response when it comes to stress – they either retreat into their own little world or they lash out and fight back.

If there is no worthy opponent to fight with? Well, you’ll do just fine.

So when both partners are stressed, it makes it very hard for a stressed woman who wants to nurture something – anything! – when that someone is intent on lashing out constantly.

Couples going through stressful times should try and communicate if they can. Stay intimate. Turn towards each other and lean on each other, rather than turning away and sharing your problems with friends.

And if all that fails, dredge up the last of your patience, take a deep breath and try and give your partner some room. Luckily for us, we have separate offices in our new place so time alone won’t be a problem.

Originally written for mX Newspaper, May 2011

If you’re anything like me, you love to look in the past – at the good times and the bad. I love going back to what feels like a million years ago to remember who has been involved in my life and who is no longer a part of it. I know they say never look behind, always in front…

I disagree! Don’t bury your memories.

I recently added a Facebook update to our Date Ideas fan page
(become a fan here) about how a Fatboy Slim song reminds me of an ex-girlfriend. I remember we were driving in her old-skool VW beetle. It was raining; we were driving at night time through the main streets of Kew (Melbourne) on our way to a party with Fatboy Slim’s tune “Right Here, Right now” playing through the stereo, I was 21 years old – as our facebook fan stated – it now feels like a million years ago. I remember my ex bopping along to the track singing out loud “Right Here, Row Now” and paying little attention to the road. It’s a sweet memory and I’m glad it’s stuck with me.

Memories remind me of who I am, and who has helped shape my life. I love it when a song, a smell or a change in season brings back flooding memories. It makes me want to call or catch up with old friends who I haven’t seen in a long time.

There are many that say you shouldn’t dig into the past, let alone catch up with an ex, I think differently. Why not?

Emma and I agree that ALL memories should be cherished. And it would be silly to be jealous of a memory that was created long before either of us met. I like being able to share these memories with Em’s. We’ve all got them – and we should share them (the good ones at least).

FYI – I’ve shared the “Fatboy Trigger” with the Ex, told her that each time I hear that track it takes me back to that day in her VW beetle. Although flattered she can’t remember the moment – and rightly so (it’s my memory).

Which song triggers your memory of past flame? And what were you doing?

Well, I’m all that.

And to add to the fun, all the expected relationship stress has peaked this week as well.

So now I’m exhausted, stressed, knee-deep in boxes and – when provoked – prone to occasional outbursts of tears and yelling.

I know I’m not alone in this because my friend M also moved just recently, and she warned me in advance that there would be tears.

Crying is one way we women deal with stress.

Luckily, all my glassware and vases are packed away safely in bubble wrap, or I may be tempted to start throwing them.

What doesn’t help about moving house together is that you’re both just as worn out as each other. Everyone’s coping skills have hit rock bottom.

And who best to take that out on? Why, each other, of course.

Which brings me to the real point of this column: How do you support your partner when you know they’re stressed, they’re tired and they’re struggling… but they’re taking it all out on you?

Being in the firing line isn’t much fun. No one likes to be a punching bag. Even among the most patient of us, something eventually has to give.

Cue a good argument where everyone can let off some steam.

The real problem comes when you’re not being the instigator – but your partner is doing everything they can to pick a fight.

You start by trying to be understanding. Then you quickly move to being silently annoyed, and finally turn an ugly shade of purple while you have it out with each other.

This vicious cycle makes me wonder how author Laura Munson got through her own husband’s hissy fit.

He came home one day and announced he wanted a divorce. He didn’t love her anymore, and he wasn’t sure he ever did.

She calmly told him no. No divorce. And then gave him space, in his own home, to sort out his feelings. She waited for him to come to his senses. And he did.

She likens it to a toddler tantrum:

“Here’s a visual: Child throws a temper tantrum. Tries to hit his mother. But the mother doesn’t hit back, lecture or punish. Instead, she ducks. Then she tries to go about her business as if the tantrum isn’t happening. She doesn’t “reward” the tantrum. She simply doesn’t take the tantrum personally because, after all, it’s not about her.”

Men and women deal with stressful situations differently. And it all comes down to the hormones.

The hormone cortisol is released when anyone is stressed. But women get a big dose of oxytocin on the side – affectionately known as the ‘cuddle hormone’, it works to drive women to nurture others and connect with people to help alleviate their stress.

We talk it out, usually with a bestie or with our partner. The experts call it the ‘tend and befriend’ response to stressors.

Men, on the other hand, aren’t blessed with the soothing effects of oxytocin. Which means they are the true representation of the flight or fight response when it comes to stress – they either retreat into their own little world or they lash out and fight back.

If there is no worthy opponent to fight with? Well, you’ll do just fine.

So when both partners are stressed, it makes it very hard for a stressed woman who wants to nurture something – anything! – when that someone is intent on lashing out constantly.

Couples going through stressful times should try and communicate if they can. Stay intimate. Turn towards each other and lean on each other, rather than turning away and sharing your problems with friends.

And if all that fails, dredge up the last of your patience, take a deep breath and try and give your partner some room. Luckily for us, we have separate offices in our new place so time alone won’t be a problem.

Kind of makes you want to rethink your next invitation to a dinner party, doesn’t it?

In all seriousness, I’ve had a busy couple of days acting as spokesperson for the Electrolux Passion for Food Survey – and having a ball!

The research findings have been fascinating, with 53% of respondents voting a home cooked meal is the best way to get in the mood for an intimate night in, above sharing a warm bubble bath (29%) and being surprised with a gift (38%).

Food and passion has gone hand in hand for centuries. Ancient cultures knew the power of aphrodisiacs, and so do modern Australians, it seems. A decadent chocolate pudding was voted the number one dessert to cook when wanting to wine and dine your sweetie – and for good reason!

When you eat chocolate, your brain chemistry and heart rate matches that of when you’re engaging in a passionate kiss – excitement, euphoria, attraction… what better way to get in the mood at home?

Nine in 10 Australians want a partner that has some kitchen skills. I don’t blame them. There’s something very sexy about a man that can cook. Six in 10 women agree.

For men, I’m sure it’s still (all these years later) still almost mandatory that a woman can cook (though I do know a few exceptions to that rule myself) – 74% of the male respondents confirm my suspicions.

On the menu for main course was a traditional roast (27%) followed by seafood (23%) and a juicy steak (14%).

In my opinion, seeing as the kitchen seems to be such a damn sexy place, you should both get in there together. Couples spend an average of about two hours a day together, and one third of that is in front of the TV. Switch of the box, get into the kitchen with some good music and open a bottle of wine while you prepare the night’s meal – even better if you’re cooking something you’ve never tried to before. Injecting novelty in any form is good for your relationship.

Do you cook together? What’s your favourite meal that your partner makes for you?

My friend E would probably argue that you should at least be dating the guy before you have to make that decision.

She turned up at a – ahem – friend’s house late one night for what was, by all accounts, a textbook booty call.

He had invited her over to stay. She rocked in at 11pm after dinner with the girls to find not only her bonk-buddy sitting on the couch, but his father as well.

Mortifying.

One wants to be fully prepared when meeting the parents. It should be a little more formal than just, “This is E, we’re off to bed.”

Introducing a new beau to the family is a significant milestone. Not every relationship makes it to meet-the-parents stage.

And nor should it. Your family and your partner might actually turn out to like each other very much. It’s not fair on either of them to introduce a new person into the fold if you’re not serious about them.

Making everyone go through the awkward discomfort of job-interview-meets-first-date, then letting them get attached before deciding the relationship is over on a whim? Not cool.

You’re setting yourself up for failure too. Forevermore, you’ll hear about “What happened to Michelle? We really like her,” and “Steve’s okay, I guess, but I liked Ryan more.”

Parents love me. I go out of my way to make sure of it.

My man, who sadistically likes to watch me squirm sometimes, took great pleasure in telling me how I would never make it past the parental approvals in his house. I was the wrong religion, the wrong culture and plus? His parents had a track record of not liking anyone.

Guess what? I nailed it. It’s not necessarily easy to win parents over, but it’s well worth the effort, if only to make your romantic life easier.

Top tips for impressing the future in-laws include doing your research – check first with your partner about whether there’s anything they think you should know beforehand about their family. Get the full story about what they do, what they like, what they don’t like and act accordingly.

Arrive gift in hand – you generally can’t go wrong with flowers, wine or chocolate. Some people shirk the idea of trying too hard, but there’s really no such thing. Rebelling against parental authority is not cool. You need to woo them.

Watch your wardrobe. Cleavage and profanity-emblazoned t-shirts are a no-go.

Once on the ground, act confident, be natural with your partner and show them you care for their son or daughter. They’ll watch every movement with eagle eyes, trying to decipher you and your relationship.

Give good conversation and ask lots of questions. Leave them with a firm handshake or a hug, and sincere thanks for their hospitality.

And finally? As you walk down the driveway at the end of the night, don’t look back. You know if you do, they’ll be watching.

I need you to do something for me, please. Well, it’s really not just for me, it’s for all of Australia, and indeed the world.

We need you to legalise gay marriage in Australia.

I’m not a gay woman. But that doesn’t matter.

You’re still cheating me out of something that’s very important to me – attending the wedding of one of my best friends.

You see, he’s not allowed to get married. It’s illegal for him to do so.

No matter that he’s in love. That he owns a house with his partner. That they have been a part of each other’s lives for just as long as my own husband and I have been.

No matter that they care about each other’s families and that they are just as ‘married’ to each other as any heterosexual couple I know – perhaps even moreso than some.

Yes, they are married in every sense of the word, except one. The important one.

It’s incredible to me that I even have to write this letter to you.

I know for a fact I’m not the only one writing to you this week. Calls have gone out all over the internet for others to do the same. It’s on everyone’s mind.

New York, Western Australia… they’ve started the ball rolling and we’re determined to finish it. There is true momentum behind the movement for equality not and we want to see this blatant discrimination abolished from our society.

There can be no half measures here. Full equality is the only acceptable solution.

If we call it anything but ‘marriage’ then we have to rewrite years of laws.

The bond of marriage carries a host of rights with it – next of kin and power of attorney in a crisis are particularly powerful ones that fall under only the word ‘marriage’.

It must be all, or it might as well be nothing.

Gay men and women need to be able to confidently and legally say: ‘That’s my wife’ or ‘That’s my husband’. And they deserve the right to be able to do that, should they choose to.

Ms Gillard, you don’t need me to rebut every argument that you continue to throw down against same sex marriage. Plenty of others before me have done a wonderful job of that.

You strike me as a progressive and thoroughly modern woman, which makes it seem even more inauthentic when you spout the same, senseless line – I suspect you actually don’t believe it yourself.

You leave us wondering why you remain so stubborn about it when there are no good reasons left.

Without equality, you, as a woman, wouldn’t hold the position you hold right now. And I, as a woman, would never have been able to even vote in the last election.

It’s only fairness that we’re seeking from you. Surely you can see that.

Your own party is almost unanimously in favour – five of our states have passed their own motions supporting equality.

The opinion polls are showing that a majority of Australians support same sex marriage. Three quarters of us think it is inevitable that it will be legalised.

The only question is when.

With that in mind, be decisive, Ms Gillard. If you do nothing else as our first female Prime Minister, do this.

In December, you will have a huge chance to make a difference.

I urge you, along with the majority of Australians: Listen to your publics. Listen to your party. Legalise same-sex marriage.

Leave a legacy we can all be proud of and be the Prime Minister who wouldn’t stand for inequality and discrimination in our country. It’s time.

Money is one of those Big Things that couples argue most about. You only have to look below to see that no matter if you’re doing it tough or you’re rolling in it, you still fight about money just the same.

And if the two of you have different attitudes towards money? Well, that can cause one of those plate-throwing, name-calling incidents that no one likes to have.

I’ve spoken before about how financially retarded I can be. And yes, I’m one of those people from the graphic below that “Hide Purchases” and “Misrepresent Amount of Purchases” (Though… uhhh… Den, if you’re reading.. That dress is like, years old. I can’t believe you’ve never noticed it before. Plus? It was on sale. No – not sale, it was free. Com-plete-ly free…)

Well if all of the above sounds familiar to you, then it may be time to take a look at your saving and spending habits. A great place to start is our Everything You Need to Know About Budgeting as a Couple series.