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mX Column: Casual Sex? Not Always Casual.

Emma — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 19:57:21 +0000

In the age of the casual hook-up, I’d hazard to say most people have had a bonk-buddy up their sleeve at some point for times of need.

It’s a common belief that women, in particular, have difficulty adjusting adapting to a casual sex arrangement.

But it turns out that is not our biggest worry when it comes to no-strings-attached casual hook-ups.

I recently heard an interesting detail from the mouth of Dr. Helen Fisher that stopped me in my tracks.

Fisher is a highly regarded biological anthropologist working on the phenomenon of love.

Her findings cetre on the chemicals that course through our brains when we fall for someone.

Different hormones, honed through centuries of evolution, come out to play during the three phases of love.

The most common and most exciting of the three stages is one we’re all familiar with – lust.

That’s when our sex drive propels us out our front doors and onto nightclub dance floors or into internet chat rooms, looking for a mate. Piloted by estrogen and testosterone, it’s heady, delicious, high-octane stuff.

Stage two is romantic love, when we fall for one person in particular rather than just browsing the field.

Characterised by cravings, feelings of intense attachment and uninhibited adoration, this is the butterflies-in-the-tummy, puppy-love stage that poets and dreamers have waxed lyrical about for centuries.

Along with romantic love comes its fuel of choice: dopamine. Little Dopie is a happy hormone. In fact, the brain of a person in the romantic love stage mimics the brain of someone on a cocaine rush: You are, quite literally, drugged up on love.

If a relationship has the right stuff, after about 18 months or so the silly-with-love feelings will start to fade and attachment sets in.

You experience surges of vasopressin and oxytocin, both bonding hormones that make you feel tied to a person, which sets you up for a life-long commitment.

Here’s the tricky part: These stages can come in any order. Love can start during any of them.

“Casual sex isn’t always casual,” Fisher says.

Having sex drives up the levels of dopamine, the romantic love hormone, leaving you primed to fall head over heels. On top of that, every time you orgasm, you’re delivered a surge of vasopressin and oxytocin, the attachment hormones.

So even if you just tell yourself it’s casual sex, you’re in real danger of becoming attached.

Is it any wonder hook-ups often end in complication, confusion and tears?

Fisher even thinks that men and women continue to hook up to unconsciously trigger those feelings of romance and bonding.

Tread carefully – you may end up more attached than you think.

After all, that’s exactly what happened to us….

Go on, spill your casual hook-up stories. Did it get messy? Did you get married? Or are you clever enough to steer well away from it unless you’re sure about a person?

mX Column: The Etiquette of Dating

Emma — Sun, 20 Jun 2010 21:52:32 +0000

What has happened to manners?

It seems everyone is so busy these days that there is no time for niceties – returning emails, RSVPing to parties and even saying thank you have fallen by the wayside.

When it happens with friends, we can understand, kiss and make up.

In dating, however, bad manners are unforgivable.

I was out one night (eons ago) in a bar, having a table-dancing, heel-kicking great time with a bunch of girlfriends. Cue entry of cute blond. He busy me a drink, we chat for awhile and even sneak in a pash.

He secures my number and I prance away. I don’t hear from him that night, or the next. I don’t wait by the phone and I don’t wonder why he isn’t calling. I don’t really care.

Two weeks later, I have all but forgotten him.

Then, weeks after the fact, I receive a text message on a Sunday afternoon:

“Hey, it’s M. I met you the other week at that club. I just wanted to ask if you would feel like having some casual sex with me?”

I’m floored. This isn’t even a late-Saturday-night drunk booty call. This is just bad judgment. And downright rude.

I send a text back:

“What, you don’t even ask a girl out for a drink first?”

And a few minutes later:

“Oh. Sorry. Would you like to have a drink first?”

No, thank you, M. I wouldn’t.

More stories of bad manners emerged from my Tweet stream.

One girl found herself on a date with a guy who took his gum out of his mouth and stuck it under the table at the restaurant.

Another’s date turned up blind drunk, forgot his wallet, abused the wait staff and promptly threw up on the footpath in front of the restaurant on their way out the door – and then had the nerve to ask for a second date!

So who, or what, is responsible?

For a start, SMS.

Faceless technology has made it easy for people to say things they would have trouble saying one-on-one.

We aren’t born with manners. They must be learned and, unfortunately, it requires a modicum of effort to conduct yourself with proper etiquette.

But it’s worth it to learn them – especially in the dating world, where first impressions are king.

Here’s a few from Emma’s Manners 101 Textbook.

1. Call when you say you will call. Or at least have the courage to call and say you won’t be calling. Never SMS. It shows a lack of character.

2. Don’t get drunk on the first (or second, or third) date – no matter how nervous you are. You might think you’re being hilarious and articulate, but you’re really just being an idiot.

3. Even if you both do just want no-strings-attached sex, a little bit of respect goes a long way (and makes for way better sex!).

These aren’t the only three, of course. Feel free to add your own dating etiquette tips or share your nightmare dating stories here.

mX Column: There Is No “Mostly Equal”

Emma — Sun, 20 Jun 2010 20:58:34 +0000

NB: This column has been altered slightly from it’s original publication as I have an infinite word count on this blog.

There are many things straight couples take for granted that gay couples have had to fight for.

And on Monday, Eliza Bern’s article in mX sparked even more conversation on the topic.

Bern suggested the way forward was through unconditional acceptance and same-sex marriage. I agree 100 percent.

Equality is not something that can be done in fractions. There can be no “mostly” equal.

This may sound a little free-love of me but I do wish everyone could just get along.

So what is stopping this country from joining the likes of Belgium, Spain, Canada, South Africa and Portugal in legalising same-sex marriage?

There are some very persistent arguments that seem to be trotted out regularly by objectors.

Step forward the most vocal: religious groups.

They have one of the saddest, and at the same time, most laughable arguments.

They say active homosexuality is wrong because it means sex outside of marriage. But they’re against the one thing that would solve the problem – marriage.

I don’t think we’ll ever get the religious institutions to agree. But the church is hardly scandal free and is fast becoming more irrelevant in marriage, even for straight couples, with more people electing a garden wedding or city hall over the constraining and antiquated ways of the church.

We were married in a Catholic Church (we are not religious; but it meant a lot to our family that we have a church wedding) and I struggled to find acceptable church passages, prayers and hymns that wouldn’t insult our guests who are in same-sex relationships, or openly gay.

Most readings from the church preach marriage as the union of a man and a woman (and more still that didn’t position women as subservient – thought that is another matter entirely). Which is a long way from the love, forgiveness and acceptance that God is supposed to be about.

Then there are the people who say legally recognised gay unions would threaten the institution of marriage.

How can allowing more people the opportunity to get married do anything but strengthen the institution?

As a recent Facebook post pointed out, philandering straight guys such as Tiger Woods and Jesse James are surely more of a threat – soiling the reputation of marriage with a blatant disregard for their spouses.

Non-famous heterosexuals are also doing a good hatchet job. A 40 per cent divorce rate? It’s a joke.

But that’s not as bad as the postman in Germany who married his dying asthmatic cat last month.

In the same week, a Korean man married his pillow in front of a priest.

And last year a Japanese video gamer married a video game girlfriend that lives inside his Nintendo DS in a legally binding ceremony in Guam.

Yet in Australia we won’t give two rational, adult humans – who love each other and want to be together – the opportunity to declare that to society in their own marriage, just because they’re of the same sex?

Civil unions or registered partnerships are a step in the right direction, but are still in that grey “mostly equal” zone. It won’t be enough until it’s bonafide, proper, legal marriage.

The gay community could never ruin the sanctity of marriage. If anything, it would revitalise a flagging, boring old institution that is in desperate need of a fresh breath of life.

There’s never been a better time than now. Legalize it so we can stop wasting our breath pushing rational arguments on a government that is clearly too blinded by their own religious prejudices to see clearly.

mX Column: Virtually Together

Emma — Tue, 25 May 2010 06:15:07 +0000

I’m sitting on a plane to Sydney as I write, on my way to visit my bestie, V.

I don’t spend much time on planes these days, though V does.

He moved to Sydney for work a year ago, while his partner still lives and works in Melbourne.

They fly back and forth as often as they can, running their relationship across the east coast, but mainly living independently.

The funny thing is, V and R aren’t the only couple I know doing this. Two more couples that I am very close to and are married also live in separate cities.

The common denominator in all these situations is work. They go where their jobs take them.

In a career-driven world, in the era of technological communication, where you can nab a flight interstate for $28 and where we can do business globally at the click of a mouse button, it is possible to run virtual relationships without ever living in the same city.

I guess it was always going to be the last frontier for the internet.

Businesses started outsourcing, then our friendships went online with the arrival of Facebook. Online dating is de rigeur.

So it’s only natural that with a little help from Skype and smartphones, there is a virtually ever after.

The long-term, long-distance relationship has come of age and gone online.

But what does this mean for couples?

It’s true that it’s easier than ever for long-distance to work, but there are still setbacks. No amount of fibre-optic cable can change the fact that you are apart.

“It’s not easy,” V admits.

“The constant travelling is exhausting. Not to mention, you’re always trying to fly out on a Friday night when everyone else is, and back on Sunday night when you really want to be relaxing and getting ready for work the next day.”

Footing the tickets for all that air travel can be expensive.

Then there’s covering two sets of rent (or mortgages) and buying new furniture for the second house.

If you are doing the long-distance thing (or thinking about it), experts recommend communicating as often as possible.

Keep it fresh by mixing the mediums – video chat, instant messenger, email, carrier pigeon…

Sending your partner gifts or handwritten letters is a way of being romantic when you can’t be there.

And beware expectations.

You may spend so much time missing your partner and building up the next time you see them that the reunions could be anticlimactic. And that can spell a-r-g-u-m-e-n-t.

Changing gear from virtual to physical contact might take some time to get used to.

But persevere – after all, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

mX Column: Damn Smug Morning People

Emma — Sat, 15 May 2010 07:12:36 +0000

I hate morning people. They’re always so freakin’ smug. Me? I am, categorically, not a morning person.

I resent getting out of bed before 9am. It takes me hours to wake up properly and God help you if you try anything smart with me before I’ve had a coffee.

Nothing is more annoying than a chirpy early bird who has been up for hours before I’ve barely cracked open an eyelid.

You know, the kind that trills: “What do you mean you’re only getting up? You would’ve missed that gorgeous sunrise. I’ve already been to the gym, eaten a pancake breakfast, done the week’s shopping and created world peace!”

Sheesh.

It’s a fact (no really, a real life fact) that some people are genetically programmed to be their best at night while others perform better in the early hours of the day.

It makes you wonder, can morning larks and night owls ever comfortably share a nest?

Think about it: If you’re constantly at your best at opposite times of the day, it’s difficult to relate to each other in the best way – apart from between the hours of, say, 2pm-4pm. But most of us are busy at our office jobs then.

Mismatched morning larks and night owls are more likely to bicker with each other, spend less time in serious conversation or shared activities and – here’s the really painful bit – have significantly less sex. Ouch.

My last boyfriend was a morning person (that ended well!). The kind who hit me with business questions as soon as I was awake and expected well thought-out answers.

The kind who would shoot withering glances my way, implying silently that my reticence to seize the day was holding me (and somehow him) back from the world.

But you know what?

Come 9pm, morning people are useless – comatose on the couch, catching up on the hours of sleep they missed in the ay-em.

It’s these precious late hours when I do my best work. In the hours before midnight, I’ve been known to clean the house from top to bottom, write 1000-word articles and even do my tax.

The good news is, if you find yourself on opposite timetables, you can work hard to adjust your body clock with understanding, acceptance, enough time, the help of a few melatonin supplements and sheer determination.

Just make sure he or she is worth synchronising watches for.

Then you just need to decide which partner will come to the dark side.

mX Column: What Mothers Teach Us About Love

Emma — Tue, 11 May 2010 03:41:37 +0000

Thank goodness for mothers and their unconditional, all-enveloping love.

I know my mum is the one person in this world who will pick up the phone every time I call, and she’ll be glad to hear from me to boot. I can also depend on her to be the first by my side if I’m unwell or if I need her, bestowing homemade cooking and healthy doses of motherly love.

And no matter how old I am, I’ll never outgrow my need for her advice.

(Yes, it’s going to be a warm and fuzzy column this week. You’ve been warned.)

In the lead up to Mother’s Day, I’ve been thinking about the many things we learn from our mothers.

It is motherly love that first teaches us what we are to expect from our future relationships.

If you think about it, our mothers are the first real loves of our lives. When we’re children, she is the centre of our universe and we are the centre of hers.

She is our protector, our carer and our biggest fan.

It is inevitable then, that her looks, her nature, her personality and her sense of humour are what we go on to seek from our romantic affairs as adults.

Celebrity psychologist Dr. Joyce Brothers says: “If your mother was warm and giving, you will be attracted to partners who are warm and giving. If our mother was strong and even-tempered, we are going to be attracted to a fair-minded strength in our mates.”

We also learn a lot about how to act in a relationship from watching our parents interact with each other.

My own parents have the kind of love story that you see in movies. It is their story that convinces me true love exists. From my parents, I learnt that true love is a partnership. From them I learned that love takes generosity of spirit, acceptance and sometimes work.

And although their story was sadly cut short when my father died of cancer, years later my mother still talks about how in love they were. Having listened my whole life to the stories and – I like to think- gleaning early subconscious cues from watching them together, I found myself becoming a believer in true love.

I know I’m lucky to have my mum in my world, still teaching me about life. But sometimes mothers aren’t so appreciated.

A friend once fell in love with a man whose mother loved him so much that she did everything for him. As an adult, he expected domestic servitude, not loving companionship from a partner. Of course, they’re not together any longer.

Our mothers are worthy of much appreciation and adoration for all they do for us and give to us. Thank her this Sunday for everything she has taught you and everything she has been for you… she’s taught you more than you’d even imagine.

This column was originally published in mX Newspaper on Friday 7 May 2010

mX Column: The Sperm Shortage in Australia

Emma — Mon, 03 May 2010 06:12:23 +0000

Men once worried that advances in IVF and female independence would render them obsolete.

Of course there are lots of things women need men for but, biologically speaking, sex and babies are the main things.

But it turns out that women do still need men in the babies department.

Sperm donations are at an all-time low in Australia, dropping 70 per cent since the introduction of new legislation ruling out anonymity for donors.

Now in NSW, a state with 7 million people, there are only 10 registered sperm donors.

In the past, the fertility clinics relied on cash-strapped uni students for donations. But donors can no longer be paid. (Okay, update: This is a bit of a bone of contention. It seems some men do get remunerated for “travel and medical” expenses. It’s not a huge amount and in most cases covers time, travel and counselling without much extra fat in there. Feel free to comment if you understand it to be different.)

The law changes also mean that while men who donate their sperm are not legally obligated to be involved with their child’s life, when the child is 18 they will be able to seek their biological father.

Compounding this, any one donor can donate sperm to up to five different women. (Interestingly, if the donor has biological children made – ahem – naturally with two other women, he will only be able to donate to three additional women.)

Imagine not one but more than five teenagers turning up on your doorstep nearly two decades from now, all wanting to meet their dad, and possibly each other.

I don’t blame the men for running scared.

It must be difficult enough to walk away, emotionally speaking, when you know your anonymity is intact, never mind about wondering if any offspring will turn up one day.

Coupled with the critical sperm shortage is the higher number of women concentrating on their careers in their 20s and 30s, or women who have been unlucky in love, turning to donor banks in the absence of a man.

Since 2008 the number of women having babies on their own has been on the rise.

Even Hollywood has cottoned onto the trend.

Jennifer Lopez stars in a new romantic comedy called The Back-Up Plan. The movie’s promo line is “Fall in Love. Get Married. Have a Baby – Not Necessarily In That Order.”

With no sign of Prince Charming on the horizon, Lopez’s character Zoe decides to have a baby on her own via artificial insemination, only to meet the man of her dreams after falling pregnant.

What would you do?

Of course it’s a fluffy rom-com, but the film also parallels society as a whole trying to deal with this phenomenon.

When you think about it, sex-free baby-making is a pretty new trick for humankind, so it’s understandable we don’t have it right yet.

The old laws governing sperm donation were too relaxed. Now, it seems they are too restrictive.

But this is real life, not a Hollywood happily ever after and we owe it to ourselves to find the best way forward – fast.

mX Column: Office Romances are A-Ok

Emma — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 00:21:01 +0000

Ever found yourself exchanging flirty glances over the water-cooler with a colleague? Signing off your emails to each other with a cheeky “xo” on the end? Sneaking out to coffee breaks together?

The office – you spend most of your waking life there. Australians, in particular, are at work an average 1855 hours a year. That’s more than any other country in the Western world.

Couple that huge chunk of life energy with the mere exposure effect and BAM, you have chemistry.

Was it love at first strategy meeting? Or did the attraction slowly grow with each trip to the photocopier?

In most cases it’s the latter – thanks largely to the mere exposure effect.

It’s a well recognised psychological phenomenon, whereby the more time you spend with a person, the more attracted you feel to them – and they to you – simply by virtue of being around each other so frequently.

So what better place to find a potential partner than the office?

True, once upon a time organisations frowned on office romances. These days, though, companies have to be more adaptable to cope with the number of relationships blossoming under their noses.

Most workplaces won’t frown too heavily on employees dating, but if you are thinking of knocking socks with a cutie two cubicles over, there are a few things to consider.

1. Be sure of what you want. The last thing you think of when starting up a new relationship is how it’s going to end, but being frivolous with a co-worker’s emotions or going on dates with someone if you’re not sure you like them is playing with fire.

No matter what happens, you’re still going to have to face them on Monday morning.

Before you get involved, ask yourselves what it will be like if you break up. Will you be able to behave as adults? Can you be professional? It sucks enough just breaking up with someone, let alone losing career-cred over the matter.

2. Your boss is off limits. It’s just not a good idea to get involved with anyone directly responsible for managing you and your role. That’s when the lines between work and private life get really blurry.

Plus, you’ll continually be the butt of office gossip as all your co-workers dissect how you’re getting “preferential treatment”.

3. No funny business at work. That includes hugs, hand-holding, kisses and butt-pinches. Absolutely not appropriate for the workplace, even if everyone already knows you’re an item.

Also, tempting as it might be, no sex on the desk.

Are you dating a colleague? Love to hear about all about it.

mX Column: Dating Games

Emma — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 12:16:47 +0000

Out with a group of girlfriends the other night, one sidled up to me when we were touching up our gloss in the bathroom.

“I just sent a text to my ex,” she confided.

“Do you think that was a mistake?”

Not just once. It turns out she had sent him two messages. Once to say “I’m at such-and-such bar.” Then again to say, “Sorry, sent that to the wrong person.”

Of course she hadn’t actually sent it to the wrong person. She just wanted him to know where she was but didn’t want him to know that she wanted him to know where she was.

Make sense?

Well it worked. He turned up and they went home together that night.

I shamefully confess that I have played a similar game.

I once got all dressed up on a Friday night, sure that this particular guy that I’d been seeing for awhile would call me for a drink or to hang out.

I didn’t want to be caught unawares so I went through the hair/make-up/outfit process only to find my phone silent.

So of course I did what any self-respecting girl would do. I rang him and trilled nonchalantly that a friend had stood me up last minute and I was quite literally all dressed up with nowhere to go.

We ended up catching up that night (score one, Team Emma!)

And he was oblivious to my little game.

Of course men say they hate women who play games, and yet have their own set of tricks.

It’s no wonder girls keep playing the games – we’re not supposed to call, we’re not supposed to chase, we’re not supposed to come on too strong.

Of course textual manipulation is just one of the ways around this.

There’s make-him-jealous moves, the silent treatment and the play-hard-to-get-tactic – all of which can blow up in a girl’s face.

But what’s really behind it? Are these little games the only way we can bait men without fear of outright rejection?

And is it at the expense of our own sanity? Surely no sane and balanced woman wants to feel like a crazy, manipulative witch?

The fact is, all that game playing can get downright exhausting – because, in fact, you’re driving yourself crazy.

Girls will self-destructively mull for hours over what a guy is possibly playing at. But guys are usually unaware they’re playing (or being played) at all.

It’s not that they all sit around thinking about footy scores but they’re certainly not dissecting every character in an SMS to find out “what it really means”.

Is it time to throw in the bat and ball and be adults, or are games still the only way to win?

mX Column: Starting Over at 28

Emma — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 08:17:22 +0000

My friend, Y, has a problem. She has just broken up with her boyfriend of six years.

It’s a massive change, but she has coped remarkably well with the separation, and has re-established herself as an independent woman – new house, new job, new outlook on life.

Now, after months of painful healing, her ex is having regrets about the breakup.

And her doubts are creeping back too.

“I always thought I’d be married and have kids by the time I reached 30” says Y “But now, at 28, I have to start all over again.”

So, does she take the chance and get back together with a person she’s devoted six years of her time to, or does she start looking elsewhere?

If you are a numbers kind of person, doing the maths can be daunting.

How many dates do you have to go on before you find someone you like enough to be serious with? Give it, say, at least six months to a year?

Then one to two years of co-habitation before an engagement (assuming all goes swimmingly), perhaps another year to plan a wedding and then the obligatory honeymoon period before settling down to have some babies?

You can understand why she’s considering going back to an ex that she’s already been through all the preliminaries with. But is it the smartest idea?

If you look at it clincally, it’s a bit like the stock market. When your relationship stocks are down at this age, do you pull all your money out, cut your losses and move on, or hold tight to the familiar relationship and hope no one declares bankruptcy and bails out altogether in the meantime?

The problem is, love is never clinical (or normal) and few pre-planned life-timelines run to schedule.

While some people love a good five-year plan, others shudder at the thought. As John Lennon sang, life is what happens when you’re making other plans.

Why? People change, we change, things happen.

Y is not alone in her dilemma.

Many young women can tell the same tale – just as she expects him to step up the commitment level, he withdraws altogether.

Dr. Karen Weiss of East Melbourne Psychology thinks that it’s a blessing these women find out before the nuptials.

“Women tend to stay in a relationship longer than they can really afford to, time-wise, hoping that the man will one day commit,” says Weiss “Often, the late-20s break up can be a turning point for these women.”

Weiss recommends that women in their late twenties should be looking for men in their early thirties, with a little more maturity, who are ripe for commitment.

As for Y and the move-forward-or-go-back question, my advice is: Cash in your stocks and invest in a new market. The dividends will be worth it.