Everywhere you look, people are gobsmacked. I thought they were solid. We all did. I was quoted just recently in an article, citing their dedication to each other as something to look up to.

They renewed their marriage vows every year, they are doting parents to four children, they always seemed so clearly – so obviously – in love.

All of a sudden it’s like we’ve all been told Santa doesn’t exist.

Seal himself is surprised by the news, as he told Ellen DeGeneres. He is still wearing his wedding band and says he still has the deepest respect and love for Heidi, but:

“These things happen.”

Do they? Is that true? It terrifies me that one day a relationship can seem fine and the next it’s a separation that shocks even the active participants in the relationship.

Whatever the reason, who on earth can we look to now to be role models when it comes to love?

Your parents are your first examples of how to conduct yourself in a relationship.

They teach us so much. How to talk and walk, brush our teeth and ride bicycles.

And even as tiny children, we glean clues from them on what it means to be in love, many of which we ourselves carry into our own relationships when we grow up.

What we don’t learn subconsciously, we learn because our parents out-and-out offered verbal advice about love, particularly through our teenage years when we were trying to figure it all out.

How did your parents handle conflict? Were they affectionate in front of you? Did each have defined roles in the household or was the workload shared?

Think about your relationships now: how much of that have you carried with you into your own life?

I was fortunate enough to have parents who set me an incredible example. They really did stick with each other through better and worse, and in sickness too. They stuck by each other and loved each other right up until the day my father died. I could not have asked for better role models in love.

Don’t think it’s all over for you though, if your parents didn’t get it right. You can unlearn destructive mindsets and habits.

My own parents, though their marriage was wonderful, didn’t have good examples growing up. But it made them more determined to not carry those bad behaviours into their own marriage. They made a conscious choice to be the exact opposite of their parents. And it paid off.

Forgive your parents if they have not taught you well. They did the best they could. Then decide for yourself what kind of relationships you want to have and set about learning the skills you need to make that happen.

And lastly, let’s all choose to still have faith in true love. Regardless of what’s going on in the headlines or even our own houses, if we lose hope altogether, then the world will be a much sadder place.

If you believe the Mayan conspiracy theorists or even that nut job that is holding out that his third (or is it fourth?) apocalypse prediction will eventually come true, this may be our last year on Earth.

Here’s a question for you though: If your days really were numbered, what would you do differently in your relationship?

Most of us are accustomed to making our own personal New Year resolutions. Lose weight. Do more yoga. Drink less. Save money.

But one thing people aren’t very good at is recognising what they need to do in their relationships to make them better, and actively trying to improve.

A more common strategy in recent years has been: Relationship not working? Quick, get the hell out of there! Find the right person, this clearly isn’t them.

Marriages lately are over faster than you can say Kardashian.

Forget the apocalypse, if we keep modelling our relationships on celebrity marriages and chasing sky-high Hollywood rom-com expectations and if we can’t learn to recognise that relationships are never instantly going to be great – that they are a life’s work, a continual evolvement of yourself and your union – then we really are all doomed.

What can you resolve to do better in your relationships this year?

If we really only had this year left, I wager many people would resolve to stop taking their partner for granted.

It’s an easy trap of a long term relationship – we humans love our routines so much that it’s easy to trip and fall right into one without even realising. We just assume our partner will always be there for us and we stop trying so hard. Big mistake.

Perhaps you know you and your partner aren’t always so nice to each other. It’s easy to get grouchy when day-to-day stresses get in the way and patterns of snippy comments aimed at your partner are hard to break. Life (and relationships) are too short for being grumpy. Be nicer to each other.

The potential is endless: Have More Adventures, Spend More Time Together, Stop Walking Out During Arguments, Don’t Be So Clingy…

What is it that your relationship will benefit from in 2012? Work it out and consciously aim to be better at it. That is how relationships grow. That is how they evolve and become lifelong partnerships.

No one ever said it would be easy, or automatic. A perfect relationship? There’s no app for that. No quick solution. But all it does require is commitment and a willingness to work through it.

The benefit of making resolutions as a couple is that you’re accountable to someone. Set the ground rules and help each other stick to them.

If we only have one year left, let’s make it a loved-up one.

Well, I’m all that.

And to add to the fun, all the expected relationship stress has peaked this week as well.

So now I’m exhausted, stressed, knee-deep in boxes and – when provoked – prone to occasional outbursts of tears and yelling.

I know I’m not alone in this because my friend M also moved just recently, and she warned me in advance that there would be tears.

Crying is one way we women deal with stress.

Luckily, all my glassware and vases are packed away safely in bubble wrap, or I may be tempted to start throwing them.

What doesn’t help about moving house together is that you’re both just as worn out as each other. Everyone’s coping skills have hit rock bottom.

And who best to take that out on? Why, each other, of course.

Which brings me to the real point of this column: How do you support your partner when you know they’re stressed, they’re tired and they’re struggling… but they’re taking it all out on you?

Being in the firing line isn’t much fun. No one likes to be a punching bag. Even among the most patient of us, something eventually has to give.

Cue a good argument where everyone can let off some steam.

The real problem comes when you’re not being the instigator – but your partner is doing everything they can to pick a fight.

You start by trying to be understanding. Then you quickly move to being silently annoyed, and finally turn an ugly shade of purple while you have it out with each other.

This vicious cycle makes me wonder how author Laura Munson got through her own husband’s hissy fit.

He came home one day and announced he wanted a divorce. He didn’t love her anymore, and he wasn’t sure he ever did.

She calmly told him no. No divorce. And then gave him space, in his own home, to sort out his feelings. She waited for him to come to his senses. And he did.

She likens it to a toddler tantrum:

“Here’s a visual: Child throws a temper tantrum. Tries to hit his mother. But the mother doesn’t hit back, lecture or punish. Instead, she ducks. Then she tries to go about her business as if the tantrum isn’t happening. She doesn’t “reward” the tantrum. She simply doesn’t take the tantrum personally because, after all, it’s not about her.”

Men and women deal with stressful situations differently. And it all comes down to the hormones.

The hormone cortisol is released when anyone is stressed. But women get a big dose of oxytocin on the side – affectionately known as the ‘cuddle hormone’, it works to drive women to nurture others and connect with people to help alleviate their stress.

We talk it out, usually with a bestie or with our partner. The experts call it the ‘tend and befriend’ response to stressors.

Men, on the other hand, aren’t blessed with the soothing effects of oxytocin. Which means they are the true representation of the flight or fight response when it comes to stress – they either retreat into their own little world or they lash out and fight back.

If there is no worthy opponent to fight with? Well, you’ll do just fine.

So when both partners are stressed, it makes it very hard for a stressed woman who wants to nurture something – anything! – when that someone is intent on lashing out constantly.

Couples going through stressful times should try and communicate if they can. Stay intimate. Turn towards each other and lean on each other, rather than turning away and sharing your problems with friends.

And if all that fails, dredge up the last of your patience, take a deep breath and try and give your partner some room. Luckily for us, we have separate offices in our new place so time alone won’t be a problem.

Originally written for mX Newspaper, May 2011

Both give us hope.

Hope that there’s something magical going on out there. That fairytales really do exist. And that true love is real.

Let’s start with princesses. So rare, kids can be forgiven for thinking they’re make-believe.

When I was a little girl, Disney ran through my veins.

This isn’t unusual. Aurora, Aerial and Cinderella still capture the attention of wide-eyed princesses-in-training everywhere, despite some parents’ best efforts to stop it.

Even now, when I know they’re not amazing role models for women – even when I aspire to be more than just some hot prince’s damsel-in-distress arm candy, the small flicker of fantasy still sits somewhere in my stomach.

Why do so many of us, even in our modern, evermore republican society, still hold out secret hopes of becoming a princess?

Well, princesses do have many great things going for them. They are universally (well, in Disney’s universe) kind and generous. They have shiny hair and standout vocal chords.

Despite their tarnished brand (Set against our modern world, princesses can look a little lazy and incompetent, perhaps a little lacking in ambition) there is a lot that can appeal about being a princess.

More than anything, the fantasy seems like an easy ticket to joy. Princesses get to live Happily Ever After without a care in the world, right? Someone else makes all the hard decisions for them. Waits on them hand and foot.

What high-level management female or stressed mother wouldn’t fantasise about that every now and then?

Usually these princesses get all this right after they marry their One True Love – the handsome prince.

Which brings us to weddings.

When I wasn’t watching my graceful heroines get whisked off on white horses, I was submerged in wedding plans. I have a picture of myself, age 4, in my normal clothes with the addition of a bouquet and a veil.

When I wasn’t marrying my imaginary princes, I was making my Barbie dolls to walk the aisle and say their vows too, usually forcing them into an arranged marriage with a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

As far as I was concerned, being a bride was the closest I was ever going to get to princessdom. You get to play princess, if only for a day.

Even as an adult, that instinct remains. Bridezillas everywhere stake their claim to be princess for a day and aren’t letting anyone get in their way of having their moment.

Ladies-in-waiting, tiered cakes, waltzing on the dance floor with a handsome prince in a schmick suit. A storyline Walt himself could have written.

I still love the idea of a wedding.

If a bride anywhere passes me by, I stop to gawk. There really is nothing more radiant than a bride on her wedding day. It’s that look of love on a wedding day that keeps us believing in true love.

It’s almost like finding out the Easter Bunny is real after all.

Is it any wonder, then, that the entire world is captivated right now by Kate and Wills?

What’s better than a wedding or a princess? A princess wedding of course!

This wedding is a real life fairytale that is awakening hope in every red-blooded female across the land.

Gorgeous, normal girl-next-door Kate, who captured the attention of the most eligible bachelor in England (and possibly the world) and who tonight will become Her Royal Highness Princess Catherine.

And while we might not all become royalty, it does give us hope that one day we may find our own personal prince to wait for us at the end of the aisle.

But don’t be deceived. Living a charmed royal life will not necessarily spell an automatic Happily Ever After for our prince and princess. While it’s tempting to believe that being a princess will magically eliminate all the hardships from your life, the reality won’t be quite so easy for our Catherine and Will.

It’s still a marriage, after all.

Originally published in mX Newspaper, April 2011

To be exact, women like a man more if they’re unsure about whether he’s interested in them or not. They thrive on it, in fact.

A recent study, titled “He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not…” and using only women as the test subjects, had two findings.

First, they confirmed the already-existing principle of reciprocity – we tend to like men if we know they like us too – moreso than if we know the same men think we’re average, anyway. Not much of a surprise there.

The twist came with the third control group of women, who were not set up at all by the researchers to think these men either liked or disliked them. These women were told the men they were ranking could have either “liked them” or thought they were “average”.

When the women were uncertain about how they were graded by these men, the response scale went through the roof. We respond much better to uncertainty and mystery.

We’ve all observed it firsthand in the dating world. Girlfriends of mine are known to obsess over the men that give mixed messages, and quickly dispose of the ones that are clearly into them.

And we say we hate it when people play games. Pfffft. Seems like games are necessary, ladies, if a man is to get anywhere with you.

One character featured heavily in pick-up manual The Game is onto it – so much so that he even resorts to calling himself Mystery (a little screamingly obvious if you ask me, but hey. Each to their own.)

Mystery notes that what women say and how they actually react are often two different things entirely. We may say we would prefer it if we knew a man liked us, but judging by this new study, we’d be lying.

So strong is this hardwired urge, that cult dating book The Rules has to spell it out for us in no uncertain terms: You want him to like you, ladies. If he’s paying you attention, if he’s obviously into you, then don’t let it put you off.

That’s half the battle – finding another person that actually likes you.

Don’t throw it away in favour of chasing a little excitement. I wonder why we’d prefer to play roulette with our hearts than go for a sure bet.

You may have noticed that certain type of girl who obsesses over a man when she’s not sure how he feels about her – and then, once it’s clear he’s into her, she reassesses and decides she doesn’t like him so much after all.

Be clear about what you want, and be careful that you don’t overlook the nice guys, because despite hardwired attraction, almost every single female I’ve ever asked says she wants the nice guy.

Mr. Mysterious may turn out to genuinely like you in the end, or he may just lead you down the garden path and then disappear to Wonderland, never to be seen again.

Image Source

Like everything else, the PDA has adapted with our tech-savvy world and what we now also have is the original PDA’s pixellated cousin – the ODA (Online Display of Affection).

Listing status updates like “I love my pumpkin pie” on a public forum like Twitter or Facebook is the digital equivalent of dry-humping in a café.

Announcing to your entire network: When he’s not around, I feel empty, sad. I can’t wait for the weekend to hold my love does not inspire the reaction you think it might from your friends.

More than likely, instead of getting misty-eyed at the magic of love, they’re dry-reaching over their keyboard.

It’s a phenomenon that was once saved for the annual love classifieds, published every Valentine’s Day in papers around the world. I used to gleefully read out the dedications to “Smoochy-bear”, written tenderly by “Your Little Turtle” and giggle. Now it’s in our newsfeeds and getting harder to take!

STFUCouples.com (Sometimes NSFW) is a website dedicated to logging couples’ soppy online antics, complete with cutting commentary. Their thousands of regular readers joyfully log on every day to get a good giggle from such gems as:

The smell of your bare skin, the touch of your fingertips, the sweet taste of your lips, your eyes that pull me in… posted on her boyfriend’s wall. For everyone to read. I’m not joking; I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

Another entire bedtime discussion between two lovers ends in:
Sweet dreams, babygirl. I love you. *throws you a kiss*, followed closely by “babygirl”, who: *catches it*

You get the feeling they may even be in the same house while posting.

To me, any of the above is an instant defriending offense.

But don’t try and cross a couple who want to play their relationship out in public like this. Though they want you to see how desperately in love they are, they don’t want you to comment on it.

STFUCouples.com gets a lot of people telling them they’re just “jellus” of true love.

Unfortunately, it’s not so. The owner of the site is married herself, as are many of the regular followers.

They just know how to keep it in their inboxes, not on their walls.

M made the mistake of commenting on a loved-up wall post with the classic “Oh, please, get a room you two.”

She was then bullied to bits in follow-up comments by Cupid’s Army: Defenders of PDA Everywhere.

Leave them alone they whined They’re allowed to sho their luv.

“Yes, and I’m allowed to be repulsed when they do it publicly.” Says M – who is happily in a long term relationship of her own, I might add, despite commenters telling her she was boring and didn’t know anything about love.

“The saddest thing was that one called me naïve… but she misspelled the word.”

The point is, you can show your partner some love online, but, just like in real life it’s all about how you do it.

Sure, give them a shout-out on special occasions – especially if you received a gift worthy of showing off to your friends.

Post photos of yourselves kissing but only if they’re from your wedding – and even then, you’re probably pushing it a little.

But for the most part, keep your soppy, love-poem graffiti off my wall, thank you very much.

Out at a bar recently, my table was treated to some free entertainment courtesy of a young couple pressed against the wall next to us.

They weren’t just kissing.

They were engaged in a no-holds-barred pash fest. From where we sat, it looked like he was mauling her. She didn’t seem to be minding it (I’m sure a Pimms or two had helped with that) but we were all cringing at the sloppiness of the whole sordid affair.

As the passionate gentleman disentangled himself to go and fetch another drink, one of my friends grabbed the girl by the wrist as she walked past.

“You’re not going home with him, are you?” he asked. “Look at how drunk he is, he’s all over you. It’s not going to end well!”

She stared him down: “That’s my husband,” she retorted and dashed back to her group of friends, where she and her betrothed spent the rest of the evening pashing while the rest of her group tried in vain to act like nothing unusual was going on in their midst.

While I applaud any married couple who still have that kind of drive for each other, there is a time and a place for such behaviour.

Oh sure, everyone has a dabble in teenage years at a bit of PDA but after a certain age, you become aware of how uncomfortable you’re making everyone else.

Instead of thinking you’re rebelling against ‘The Man’, you suddenly realise you’re just being rude.

Of course, a bit of PDA here and there is condoned by most people.

However, everyone has their own personal line in the sand of what constitutes gross-out territory.

For most people, that line is – unequivocally – tongue.

From my online research, I found that hugging is “awwww-ed” at by most.

Chaste cheek kisses and lip-pecks? Fine. Maybe even a prolonged, closed-mouth kiss. So long as no spit is swapped.

A cute butt-pinch can be okay – so long as there’s no grabbing or groping involved.

But French kissing? Apparently, not okay with anybody. Except maybe enthusiast romantic D, who proudly says: “Hey, when the moment hits… the moment hits!”

I’ve decided it’s not so much the activity, but the proximity to other people when doing it.

Lip-pecks are great, until you’re repeatedly doing it across the dinner table from me.

If you’re tens of metres away from anyone in across a park, then go ahead, slip some tongue in.

Others are divided: “I don’t know, intimacy just doesn’t seem that intimate in public,” observes J.

If nothing else, it’s a matter of social etiquette. Next time you go for the public pash, stop and do the Grandma Test. If it’s too risqué to do in front of your dear old Granny, it’s too risqué to do in public. Full stop.

Well, I’m all that.

And to add to the fun, all the expected relationship stress has peaked this week as well.

So now I’m exhausted, stressed, knee-deep in boxes and – when provoked – prone to occasional outbursts of tears and yelling.

I know I’m not alone in this because my friend M also moved just recently, and she warned me in advance that there would be tears.

Crying is one way we women deal with stress.

Luckily, all my glassware and vases are packed away safely in bubble wrap, or I may be tempted to start throwing them.

What doesn’t help about moving house together is that you’re both just as worn out as each other. Everyone’s coping skills have hit rock bottom.

And who best to take that out on? Why, each other, of course.

Which brings me to the real point of this column: How do you support your partner when you know they’re stressed, they’re tired and they’re struggling… but they’re taking it all out on you?

Being in the firing line isn’t much fun. No one likes to be a punching bag. Even among the most patient of us, something eventually has to give.

Cue a good argument where everyone can let off some steam.

The real problem comes when you’re not being the instigator – but your partner is doing everything they can to pick a fight.

You start by trying to be understanding. Then you quickly move to being silently annoyed, and finally turn an ugly shade of purple while you have it out with each other.

This vicious cycle makes me wonder how author Laura Munson got through her own husband’s hissy fit.

He came home one day and announced he wanted a divorce. He didn’t love her anymore, and he wasn’t sure he ever did.

She calmly told him no. No divorce. And then gave him space, in his own home, to sort out his feelings. She waited for him to come to his senses. And he did.

She likens it to a toddler tantrum:

“Here’s a visual: Child throws a temper tantrum. Tries to hit his mother. But the mother doesn’t hit back, lecture or punish. Instead, she ducks. Then she tries to go about her business as if the tantrum isn’t happening. She doesn’t “reward” the tantrum. She simply doesn’t take the tantrum personally because, after all, it’s not about her.”

Men and women deal with stressful situations differently. And it all comes down to the hormones.

The hormone cortisol is released when anyone is stressed. But women get a big dose of oxytocin on the side – affectionately known as the ‘cuddle hormone’, it works to drive women to nurture others and connect with people to help alleviate their stress.

We talk it out, usually with a bestie or with our partner. The experts call it the ‘tend and befriend’ response to stressors.

Men, on the other hand, aren’t blessed with the soothing effects of oxytocin. Which means they are the true representation of the flight or fight response when it comes to stress – they either retreat into their own little world or they lash out and fight back.

If there is no worthy opponent to fight with? Well, you’ll do just fine.

So when both partners are stressed, it makes it very hard for a stressed woman who wants to nurture something – anything! – when that someone is intent on lashing out constantly.

Couples going through stressful times should try and communicate if they can. Stay intimate. Turn towards each other and lean on each other, rather than turning away and sharing your problems with friends.

And if all that fails, dredge up the last of your patience, take a deep breath and try and give your partner some room. Luckily for us, we have separate offices in our new place so time alone won’t be a problem.

My friend E would probably argue that you should at least be dating the guy before you have to make that decision.

She turned up at a – ahem – friend’s house late one night for what was, by all accounts, a textbook booty call.

He had invited her over to stay. She rocked in at 11pm after dinner with the girls to find not only her bonk-buddy sitting on the couch, but his father as well.

Mortifying.

One wants to be fully prepared when meeting the parents. It should be a little more formal than just, “This is E, we’re off to bed.”

Introducing a new beau to the family is a significant milestone. Not every relationship makes it to meet-the-parents stage.

And nor should it. Your family and your partner might actually turn out to like each other very much. It’s not fair on either of them to introduce a new person into the fold if you’re not serious about them.

Making everyone go through the awkward discomfort of job-interview-meets-first-date, then letting them get attached before deciding the relationship is over on a whim? Not cool.

You’re setting yourself up for failure too. Forevermore, you’ll hear about “What happened to Michelle? We really like her,” and “Steve’s okay, I guess, but I liked Ryan more.”

Parents love me. I go out of my way to make sure of it.

My man, who sadistically likes to watch me squirm sometimes, took great pleasure in telling me how I would never make it past the parental approvals in his house. I was the wrong religion, the wrong culture and plus? His parents had a track record of not liking anyone.

Guess what? I nailed it. It’s not necessarily easy to win parents over, but it’s well worth the effort, if only to make your romantic life easier.

Top tips for impressing the future in-laws include doing your research – check first with your partner about whether there’s anything they think you should know beforehand about their family. Get the full story about what they do, what they like, what they don’t like and act accordingly.

Arrive gift in hand – you generally can’t go wrong with flowers, wine or chocolate. Some people shirk the idea of trying too hard, but there’s really no such thing. Rebelling against parental authority is not cool. You need to woo them.

Watch your wardrobe. Cleavage and profanity-emblazoned t-shirts are a no-go.

Once on the ground, act confident, be natural with your partner and show them you care for their son or daughter. They’ll watch every movement with eagle eyes, trying to decipher you and your relationship.

Give good conversation and ask lots of questions. Leave them with a firm handshake or a hug, and sincere thanks for their hospitality.

And finally? As you walk down the driveway at the end of the night, don’t look back. You know if you do, they’ll be watching.

Enter stage left? An attractive girl on her own.

She breaks into the group with some sort of compliment – “Great shoes,” or “Love your hair.” – you welcome her into the fold and continue chatting.

Of course, she’s only there for one reason. She’s the ice-breaker for the group of guys that wants in.

Before you know it, the rest of her (testosterone-fuelled) pack has joined her. She introduces the men, and a textbook perfect pick-up attempt ensues (On Friday night, the guy in question negged me via my drink “Eeuww… what is that?” – something lifted straight from pick-up manual The Game).

The wingman technique has long been used by men in the pick-up arena.

A wingman plays offence by starting a conversation with a group of women in the room on your behalf, then runs interference once you join the group, entertaining the “friends” so you can get some alone-time with your “target” without them trying to come to her rescue.

Sounds complicated. And anyway, it’s passé. The new wingman is a woman.

There are many benefits to using a female wingman – wingwoman, if you will – and savvy men everywhere are enlisting the help of females to help them on the notoriously-tricky-to-navigate bar scene.

Women are experts on – you guessed it – women. And they’re a safe choice to have by your side if you’re out to get numbers for the night.

In today’s volatile dating world, it’s much easier for a smooth-talking lady to penetrate the harsh defences of a group of women at a bar rather than having a guy make the approach.

Another theory goes that having a woman vouch for you: “Oh, I’ve known him for years and he really is a great guy…” is more believable than having one of your mates talk you up. Women expect guys to spin a line to them in a bar. Cynical, but true. Not so much with a like-minded female, which is the equivalent of having an Olympic medallist endorse a brand of cereal. Pure marketing gold.

So next time you head out to meet the woman of your dreams, take a girl friend with you. Better yet, take two.

If you have no close female friends you can entrust with the job, consider hiring one. Agencies are springing up world-over, offering the services of trained wingwomen to men in need.

They will meet you at a bar, spend some time chatting to develop a back-story and then get to work hooking you up with the ladies you have your eye on.

Maybe she’ll go and buy a drink from the bar, while casually listening to someone’s conversation. And then, “Oh my gosh, my friend and I were just talking about that – wait, let me introduce you.”

These ladies are trained well. Once you get talking, they’ll casually excuse themselves to make a phone call and let you work your magic.

At cost of a hundred or so a night, you’ll end up with a few numbers (if that’s what you want).

The best part? You can judge whether you have instant chemistry straight away, as opposed to online dating where your judgements are based on stats on paper.

Used a wingwoman before? Been a wingwoman before? Did it work? Do tell…