They’d go to dinner, and as soon as they were seated at their table, she’d disappear.

The vanishing act would continue all night – right after entrée, again after main and then once dessert had finished. She’d be gone for fifteen minutes at a time, leaving him at the table alone with nothing to do but cop the quizzical glances from the wait staff.

The thing was, this girl is absolutely gorgeous. Impeccably so.

Never a hair out of place, nor a smudge of mascara on her cheek or even so much as a speck of parsley in her teeth.

Upkeep like that means logging some serious maintenance hours, though they were going to waste on M, who thought she looked beautiful all the time and wished she would just sit down and enjoy their night together.

It’s much like owning a high-performance vehicle – their high-octane fuel is French Champagne, a weekly blow dry is the equivalent of a hand detailing and instead of alloy mags, high maintenance girls sport shiny Louboutins.

Nights out on the town are preceded by eight hours of spa/hair/pedi/spray tan appointments and even trips to do the grocery shopping require a full face of makeup.

While we all have the propensity to “want it the way I want it” (As Sally explained it when Harry accused her of being high maintenance) sometimes, when your greatest talent is applying perfect lip liner, you be becoming too high maintenance for your own good.

Being high maintenance doesn’t just pertain to looking glam.

Let us count the ways: people who order off menu, dates who are so emotionally needy that you can’t pay attention to anything or anyone else for even a second. The ones that won’t go swimming because their hair will go frizzy.

Men aren’t getting off lightly either. With the new breed of metrosexuals comes a curious subset – the high maintenance male. Chamomile-drinking, bronzer-wearing, don’t-talk-when-the-footy-is-on men who are frustrating their women just as much.

One common trait of all high maintenance beaus is that they’re hard to please.

R took his lady to Paris – planned and paid for the trip of a lifetime. When they arrived at the Eiffel tower all she had to say was “Oh. It’s smaller than I thought.”

Tough crowd.

There’s the girl whose man bought her the BMW she’d been lusting after, then told him to get rid of it because it was too hard to park.

“What they’re trying to do,” says R. “Is find their happiness through another person or through possessions and it doesn’t happen like that – they decide one day that they deserve more and they want others to give it to them. Suddenly nothing is ever good enough.”

He adds that he feels sorry for high maintenance types, who are always pre-occupied with whatever’s going on for them and never able to just relax and enjoy themselves.

If any of this sounds familiar (and we can all attest to behaviour like this sometimes) then stop and take stock.

The thing about high maintenance is that it’s tiresome work to upkeep. Sure, make yourself happy, but don’t expect others to put in that much effort. They may eventually decide it’s just not worth it.

Is there a small, satisfied smile on her face? Is she shifting uncomfortably in her seat… looking a little hot under the collar, perhaps?

If she is, it’s entirely possible that she’s up to something that she doesn’t want you to know about.

The era of erotic fiction is coming into its own, thanks to e-readers, and its champion is a certain new trilogy called Fifty Shades of Grey that has everyone in a flutter.

If you don’t already know the storyline: billionaire bad boy seduces naïve college girl with bondage. It’s huge and it’s being dubbed “Mummy porn”.

Why are women flocking to this novel? Something about it has clearly struck a chord. But it’s badly written and barely believable… to the point of put-the-book-down and walk away in frustration.

Sure, the sex scenes are hot. But there’s not much else going for it.

It’s no coincidence this book started as Twilight fan fiction – another good example of female escapism that struck a chord worldwide.

The truth is, it doesn’t really matter whether it’s an amorous vegan vampire or an under-30 billionaire with sadistic tendencies, the narrative is the same: ordinary, clumsy but intelligent girl is noticed – finally noticed – and swept off her feet by a man who quite simply, cannot keep his hands off her.

And women are eating it up.

This, I believe, is the key to What Women Really Want.

We want… to be wanted.

The notion of a strong, confident man (usually with a bit of a bad boy streak… the nice guys never win here either, sorry) who can barely keep himself away from us is melt-worthy. Swoon.

We are willing to overlook badly written dialogue, gaping holes in plot lines and even believe in sparkly vampires just for the fantasy of being that girl. The one who is wanted with an all-consuming, burning desire.

Women are more empowered than ever before… and what are we longing for? A little bodice ripping from a knight in shining armour.

Which is fine, because it’s a little bit of escapism from the every day (though, as I cautioned last week don’t go falling down the rabbit hole and believing in the fantasy).

Unlike visual pornography, using your imagination instead of your eyeballs is resulting in a very pleasant knock-on effect for husbands and boyfriends everywhere – women are reigniting their intimate relationships, fired up by the steamy scenes contained in the pages of these books.

While the wider world may only just be cottoning on to the thrills of a good erotic fiction thanks to Fifty Shades, the regular customers at the Rendezvous romance bookstore in Melbourne are wondering what all the fuss is about.

“We’ve been reading erotica like this – and dare I say, better than this – for years. By Rendezvous terms it’s not new,” says owner Mirna Denic.

The store has been around for fifteen years, and while the romance genre may still have it’s own reputation to deal with, Mirna assures me that we’ve reached Mills and Boon 2.0.

“Romances now whether it’s historical or urban fantasty, the language is a lot more modern and contemporary the characters are a lot more contemporary and it’s very different to the “Mills and Boon”, stereotypical format.”

Rendezvous counts women of all ages – from teenagers through to older women -and even some men in their wide clientele.

What are all these people looking for? I ask Mirna.

“The happy ever after, of course. These books are incredibly entertaining, fun and well written. Instead of reading a relationship self help book, pick up a romance novel.”

That goes for you too, men. It may help you figure out a thing or two about what women really do want.

Women, what do you think? Are we in the right ballpark here?

Huxtaburger has been the name on every Melburnian foodie’s lips lately.

Devotees of the new burger joint are effusive – Instagram-washed arty pictures of burgers are plastered all over my Facebook stream (and I’ve added a few here for your own viewing pleasure).

I myself had but a tiny taste on my way into the adjacent Bill’s Bar on opening night, ducking back out to the fluorescent-lit grill for a teeny-tiny Rudy burger ($5, meant for kids) before slipping back in the secret door to finish my outrageously well-priced Yamakazi whisky ($9 for all their spirits y’all… but that’s a whole other date review).

And even though I had that fleeting morsel of burger months ago… I couldn’t get it off my mind.

Every night I found myself out on the town, I would start scheming a way to make it back to Huxtaburger for another one. I was consumed.

Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if they bake crack into their buns. It would certainly explain a lot.

I finally got there on date night with Den, dragging him with me to sample the Huxtawares.

Modelled on a traditional American burger joint, the venue itself is small and bright.

Hot Beef, Cold Beer. That’s their motto. Sounds good to me.

There are only five burgers to choose from, all named for members of the Cosby family.

The Huxtaburger ($8) is your classic cheeseburger, the Bill ($10) includes bacon, egg, pineapple and beetroot and then there’s Denise ($9) – the hot one, complete with jalapeno and sriracha mayo.

We both opted for the Huxtaburger and it was delicious. It’s a juicy Wagyu meat pattie, sandwiched with buns that are a little bit sweet – sourced from a top secret Asian bakery somewhere, apparently – and drizzled with sauces are spot-on.

You may have to wait in line out the front for awhile to nab a table, such is the popularity of this place. Thankfully, the turnover is fast because we all know it doesn’t take long to smash down a burger.

Alternatively, grab your burgers to go and head to a nearby park area (there’s one about half a block away behind Smith Street) for a picnic.

If you’re eating there, you can grab a cold can of beer or a wine to wash it all down. A side of crinkle cut fries doesn’t go astray either.

It’s within the $30 limit for sure, but this is a fast and furious date, over before you even know it. Plan for something else to do afterwards to pad your date out.

Huxtaburger is open from 11.30am daily, so if you go for lunch you can spend your afternoon window-shopping on Smith Street, or wander the short distance to Proud Mary for a late afternoon coffee.

If it’s dinner, perhaps blow the budget a little more and head to a nearby bar afterwards for a drink or two together. For a right-next-door bar option, finding the hidden door to Bill’s Bar within Huxtaburger will score you some kudos, or Dirty Secrets is not far away for a speakeasy with a great cocktail option – go there between 5pm and 7pm to sample a Tommy’s Margarita for only $10.

Where: 106 Smith Street, Collingwood
Deets: Huxtaburger.com.au
Good to know: Cash only

Oyster Hour at Mezzo Bar:

Pro: Mezzo Bar / Mid April (Australian Fall) Picturesque = a wonderful space, outside, summer breeze yet leaves falling in the top end of little bourke street, Melbourne of course.

Con: The date lasted approximately 45minutes – because we only spent $30

Pro: The date only cost $30!

Con: It wasn’t dinner but it was dinner time! I could have eaten more, and I could have had more drinks too! Basically, if I wasn’t so cheap I would have had my fill of great food and drink.

Pro: A dozen oysters + sparkling wine, yum n yum!

Pro: The oysters were delicious, fresh and half price! Yay for Mezzo and oyster hour!!!

Enjoying a $30 Date Night in an expensive restaurant is like going to a hooker for a hug. No matter what you do to prolong the occasion, you’re never really totally satisfied.

Here are a few tips on what you can do to make your $30 date work in an expensive restaurant:

• Smash the complimentary bread and butter!
• Only choose expensive restaurants that offer complimentary bread and butter
• Fill up on a burger or sandwich while making your way to the expensive restaurant then only order coffee and dessert
• Buy a really… really bad drink for both you and your partner, one that can only be swallowed in sips.
• Order things that you don’t enjoy. In fact, I wasn’t too keen on oysters and really had to talk myself into it earlier on in the day to make sure they would slide down the back of my throat and not come up onto the suit next to me. Unfortunately the oysters were fresh and tasty!
• BYO cockroach
• Have your “A-game” conversation skills on parade!

It’s easy to impress new couples and honeymooners with date ideas, you can place these couples in the middle of a Westboro Baptist Sermon and they’ll still say they had a wonderful time together. For the long term daters, you need to find stimulation in “new experiences.” Anything that you have not done before is where you need to gravitate to.

Although trying one new food group simply isn’t enough, it can be a great starter to the date. If you’ve never tried oysters before, then this date is a great place to start. The Mezzo Bar has fresh and tasty oysters – I cannot recommend it enough and that’s from a guy that doesn’t particularly like oysters. But as the whole package – you’re going to need to add a little more pepper to this date.

I recommend:

Break the $30 Vow for one night and see a 2nd or maybe 3rd drink – like any dinner / drinks date you’re going to need to be good with conversation. Easy during the honeymoon stage, can be harder for seasoned couples.

or

Add a sequal to the night and make it a date night extravaganza! After your oyster and champagne experience (let’s call this first date idea entrée), move onto another $30 Date Idea. Something completely different, something not classy. Think casual, laid back and relaxed – maybe a round of pool, maybe a laksa dinner.

Mezzo Bar is located on Little Bourke Street at the top end, between Spring and Exhibition Street Melbourne. Oyster hour is available every day between 5 and 6pm. Curious about oysters? Go to Mezzo Bar, they oysters are fresh – they gave us a selection of oysters from east coast Australia and the Tasman, a nice touch! Even though the thought of oysters still turns my stomach a little, I’d go there again for their oyster hour!

There are so many rules surrounding this most daunting of dating customs. We’re told we must stand out from the crowd – choose a unique venue, say the right things, wear the right thing. Don’t talk too much. Don’t talk too little. Never sleep with your date on the first night.

How many couples out there have even had a traditional first date?

Forget 50 first dates. My husband and I didn’t have a real first date until our fiftieth date.

We just clean skipped the courting part of the relationship.

We started as friends, graduated to flirting and may or may not have (read: absolutely did) started fooling around with each other long before we made anything official.

As a result, it was nearly a year into our relationship when someone asked at a dinner party what we had done for our first date, stopping us dead in our tracks as we realised we’d cheated ourselves out of the ritual altogether.

The very next Friday night, my flatmate opened the front door to find my man standing there with a bunch of roses and a box of chocolates, awkward and sweet all at once.

He whisked me to a restaurant and so our first date was, we now tell people, at a little Mexican joint, months after we’d technically started “dating”.

There is so much grey area in relationships today that it’s hard to tell where a friendship ends and the first flutter of romance begins:

M and her man don’t agree when it comes to their first date.

There was the night he bought tickets to a symphony, walked her home via a cosy wine bar and they snuck a kiss at the front door – the perfect first date by any woman’s standards.

Then there was the next night at the trendy local gastro pub, which he considers their first official date.

Somehow, the Vivaldi beats the veal in my book. M and all her girlfriends agree.

Either version of the truth works – in the end, they’re together now and that’s all that matters.

A great first date is not a prerequisite for a great relationship.

Really, the carefully constructed first date isn’t always a good insight into who you are hooking up with anyway.

Too much pressure can do funny things to a person. Add alcohol and nervous chattering into the equation and the lines between charming and unhinged can become blurred.

Don’t mourn the absence of your own first date fairytale. Really, the ritual serves for just two things – to check compatibility and chemistry between two people.

If you can manage to do that forced niceties, enduring endless nights of bad conversation, or trying to sneak out from under an outstretched arm in a movie theatre, then I salute you.

When was your last traditional first date? Did you and your partner even have one?

The Worst One Ever, in fact, as voted by users of $30 Date Night.

It was regular user Ming who submitted, a few years back, the date night idea of Cutting Each Other’s Hair. It’s clocked only 1.5 stars on our 5 star rating system, from a total of 474 votes (and counting).

It’s such a bad idea, that even when we attempted the four worst date ideas ever, we omitted it because, frankly: we didn’t want to do it.

But fortune was on our side this week – Den has been letting his hair slowly get out of control lately and he had gotten jack of it. It was ratty, knotty and handn’t seen a hairstylist for at least six months, by my count.

It had to go.

What better time to seize the opportunity to take to him with a pair of scissors and try something fun?

He graciously agreed to let me cut it – in fact, it was his idea. One that seemed good at the time, but as the snip of the hairdressing scissors got closer, he realised what a stupid, stupid mistake he’d made.

I am so not the person to be cutting hair. I have the attention span of a breadcrumb. There is nothing systematic or neat about what I do in life. Cutting hair turned out to be no exception.

If it was a normal trim, I may have gotten away with it. As it was, hacking inches off and restyling? Waaayyy beyond me. I was aiming for a certain rockabilly, James Dean-esque sort of style but I chickened out halfway through and stopped a few centimeters short… which was lucky, because Den’s actual hairdresser said if we’d taken much more off she would’ve had to shave it completely and start from scratch!

He turned out looking more 90s boy band than 50s quiff. A rough version of that. It was not good. At all.

But? We had fun! A lot of fun. Den needed a bit of Scotch to get through the ordeal and it was decided at the end that he couldn’t possibly go a whole week with the style I’d given him, which was the original plan.

We laughed a lot, I freaked out a fair bit. There was A LOT of hair on the floor by the time we were done. And we caught it all here on video for you:

In dog years, we’re middle aged.

In Kardashian years, we should have been dead and buried ten times over already.

A month ago, he went away overseas. He’s not coming back for another whole month.

He’s gone for business, and for other work reasons I couldn’t go with him. We were okay with that.

Others not so much.

“Two months?” we kept hearing. “You’re going to be apart for two whole months?”

The suspicion was palpable. I’m not sure what everyone was thinking. Divorce? Scandal? Relationship suicide?

In the grand scheme of things, two months doesn’t seem like a long time. We’re lucky that we have an end date already set – many couples do long distance for years without an end goal or much say in the matter.

We’re an independent couple who has never felt like we had to live in each other’s pockets. We didn’t really understand why people were getting so upset on our behalf.

We knew we would miss each other, but that was certainly nothing to stop us. In fact, the second the flights were booked something great happened – we instantly became nicer towards each other.

I waffle on a lot about couples taking each other for granted, and let me tell you, there’s nothing to remind you what you have quite knowing they’re about to leave you for an extended period of time.

The weeks leading up to his departure were bliss.

Instead of rushing around first thing every day, we would laze in bed a little longer. We were quick to get over little arguments, realising there’s more to life than bickering over who exactly put the toast crumbs in the butter.

And then he left. And, I’m going to be honest with you… I fell apart a little bit.

My reaction was completely unexpected – well, to me anyway.

I was quite literally panic-struck at the thought of not having him around for nine long weeks.

It didn’t help that the night before he left, the universe decided to really reinforce the message by nearly burning our house down. I’m categorically not the one that deals with faulty fuse boxes. I suddenly realised how much I rely on him.

After dropping him at the airport with a short and sharp goodbye at the door, I promptly fell to pieces for a few days.

I felt like I was trying to do the Oxfam without a support team – trekking a huge hill all on my own.

Acting this way was completely foreign to me, but upon reflection I realised it had never lived on my own before – there have always been flatmates, family or partners with me.

A luxurious weekend alone in your house is a very different thing from night after night of aloneness stretching ahead of you.

And I’m going to make sure we do it more often.

After the initial shock of feeling abandoned and unsure, I settled back down and began to enjoy myself, and my time to myself.

It’s a grounding and re-centring experience, being away from your partner for a length of time. It doesn’t have to be two months, but a week or two every now and then wouldn’t go astray.

I’ve learned how to be on my own again, and to enjoy my own company.

It’s reminded me that I’m my own individual person who can do what she wants, when she wants, without needing to tell or consult anyone else first.

It shows up all the small unconscious compromises you naturally fall into when you live with another person, so you can decide if you want to keep living like that or change back to your own preferences on things like bedtime, what and when you eat dinner and what music you’re playing in the house.

It’s reminded me also that I am a perfectly capable human who can do things like change the flat battery instead of playing damsel in distress and letting a man do it for me (Thank god no spiders have shown up yet, though).

It’s really made me appreciate what I feel for Den and how much a part of my world he really is. Sure, it can be tough in a relationship sometimes but I am much happier with him around then when he is gone.

And that is the best part of it all.

I love the internet and the spoils that come with it… international shopping, social networking and video chat! Today is our 3rd wedding anniversary and unfortunately we’re spending it apart… very far apart!

I’m in San Francisco and Emma in Melbourne, so what do you do for your anniversary when you’re so far apart? You have brunch!

My hat goes off to Emma, she thinks outside the box and certainly makes an impression.

I was told, be in your office at 12pm – San Francisco time, don’t be late. Further instructions will be given to you then.

We met online at 12pm San Fran time, 7am Melbourne time. She then forwarded me instructions on where I had to go via google maps. A 10 minute round trip to pick up lunch that she had ordered and paid for!
By the time I returned to my office with lunch she had prepared herself breakfast. Voila – breakfast / lunch = brunch. And thanks to skype, we’re now having a wedding anniversary date. Super-cool!

Surprisingly, our date 8000 miles apart over video chat felt quite normal. Of course after a few poses and camera shots to share with our awesome $30DN fans, you! We settled comfortably into our date. The experience felt real, almost as if Emma was sitting across from me. Of course it’s not as good as having her with me in person, but it’s the next best thing considering the distance between us. Oh, and it was very cool when I walked in with bags of food and others in the office wanting to know what the occasion was.

Next time you find yourself miles apart from your lover, and if you have decent internet for video chat, I highly recommend you research the web for a local restaurant that will order take out. Then send your date on a scavenger hunt. It’s super easy to organise, can be very cheap but most importantly the rewards are unbelievably high! Your date will feel cared for and thought of.

Happy 3rd Anniversary Emma! I love the wonderful surprise!

If the love gods are feeling particularly cruel, the ex will have a new squeeze on their arm who is gorgeous/rich/fit/Heidi Klum/the Old Spice Guy.

It can be a real kick in the gut when you’re confronted with The One That Broke Your Heart when you’re least expecting it.

It used to be that you could avoid the situation by not leaving the house (cue carving an arse-groove into the couch as you settle in for a Game of Thrones marathon), or steering clear of the places the ex was last known to frequent.

But now they lurk online too, these shady exes, just a mouse-click away, ready to undo you all over again in a nanosecond.

Facebook, Twitter, Blogs. And worst of all, YouTube – all are especially cruel to freshly obliterated relationships.

The problem is that now we expect everyone wants to hear about your break up, your love life, what you ate for breakfast. We have become accustomed to wearing our hearts on our electronic sleeves.

Entire blog posts can be – and are – written about break ups, reading like Dear Diary entries for the world wide web to relish.

Unfortunately, somewhere there in that sea of unique visits is the very person you’re writing about.

And they now have unprecedented access to your innermost dialogue. This is the kind of information we never had to have shoved in our face after break ups of yore.

There’s more than one poor soul out there that has spilt their morning latte over the keyboard when an errant “happy couple” picture or relationship status inconsiderately pops up in their Facebook timeline.

Which is why it’s always a good idea to de-friend your ex the second you’ve broken up with them.

Actually, correction: Newfound social media etiquette suggests that 2.4 weeks is the perfect amount of time to leave before defriending or blocking an ex… Especially keeping in mind that research just found that 64% of people check up on their ex’s Facebook profile (and they’re just the ones that admitted it).

The two-week rule is a smart suggestion, given there may be a bit of a bonus round before your relationship really is over.

Unfriending and refriending while you go through this phase only makes for awkward status updates.

If you’re not entirely sure it’s over, you can always change your privacy settings so your ex can’t see your wall or photos.

It is also, in my opinion, acceptable for you to ditch all their friends too, assuming you don’t want to hear news of what (or who) they’re doing now that they have a new relationship status.

Further, your own friends shouldn’t be Facebook stalking your ex by proxy for you.

It’s a real downer if people keep bringing up all the hotties your ex has been poking on Facebook over Sunday brunch. Tell them you don’t want to hear it.

Clinging on to the Facebook friendship expressly so you can stalk may be tempting, but it’s not good for you. The best thing you can do is get some space from the situation, and that means not having to see them – on the milk run or on your screen.

No doubt about it, San Francisco is a massive city with lots to do and see! Even still, Nick’s Crispy Tacos is no secret to the Bay Area.

Located near the corner of Polk St & Broadway in Nob Hill – this place was packed, and for good reason too. Davide, a good friend of mine and a San Fran local chaperoned me as I have left the beautiful wife back in Australia to look after our massage business back home.

The food was sensational, filling and cheap! And you know how much I love being cheap. Undeniably the fish tacos are a must; we shared a pulled pork burrito called canitas and salsa on corn chips – pescado. Now, Mexican food in San Fran is common and yes in Australia it’s easy to find, but it’s not something that I eat regularly. So for my virgin taste buds Nick’s Crispy Tacos was delish, although I am confident that the average Mexican wouldn’t shake their head when walking past.

I love the look of the space inside. As you can see in the pics,

it’s a red background with red velvet and large chandeliers. I’m told that in the evenings it turns into a bar, the tables and chairs clear out for standing room which I thought was awesome. When I asked Dave what it was like as a bar, his expression gave me a clear indication that we wouldn’t be there after sundown.

The only problem I had with Nick’s Crispy Tacos was that the food went down so well there was no room for chatter! We munched, sat back and had a quick chat then left. All in all this experience lasted no longer than 30 minutes from the time we walked in and out. When taking your date to Nick’s crispy tacos make sure you’ve got a stash of our conversation starters and take your time eating the yummie yummie food!