$30 date night | Date Ideas, Marriage & Romance Blog » Emma Merkas

mX Column: The New Online Dating

Emma — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 02:05:12 +0000

Outsourcing is de rigueur in our technologically savvy world.

There are personal organisers, personal stylists and people to mow your lawn.

And now you can even outsource your dating life – or at least the more annoying aspects of it.

Online Dating consultants will, for a fee, do the hard work it takes you to get a date.

Trawling the online dating services, they whisper sweet nothings with a keystroke and do the all-important preliminary chit-chat.

From flicking emails back and forth and taking care of wink-management (if you’re not familiar with online dating, think the poke function on Facebook), you don’t have to worry about a thing except for turning up to your real-life date on time.

Considering it takes two separate professionals to do this job, it’s no wonder us mere mortals are finding it difficult.

US company Virtual Dating Assistants employs full-time ‘openers’ to get the e-conversation going, which is followed up by a completely different group of ‘closers’ when it’s time to seal the date deal.

These virtual love gurus will create your profile, retouch your photos and pre-screen your candidate list to present you with a shortlist of date leads.

And, for a hefty $720 a month they’ll even guarantee you two dates a month.

The online dating community spent a long time building trust. The early days were full of horror stories; how could we trust that people were who they said they were? What incentive did anyone have to be honest about who they were and what they looked like in a faceless virtual world?

My friend E had a date recently with a man who said online he was in his early 40s, but turned out, upon meeting, to be her father’s age.

The concept of Virtual Dating Consultants is morally ambiguous at best, and only add to the confusion of who we are online.

Imagine sitting down to dinner with someone you thought you’d sparked with online. You’re under the impression that you’ve been trading witty, flirty emails for weeks. That there’s chemistry with this person.

Meanwhile, they have just for the first time read a briefing sheet on you an half an hour before they arrived.

They have no emotional connection with you – sure, they’ve read the emails their virtual assistant sent, but they struggle to recall the details of these in full. Because they didn’t write them.

I think most people would feel cheated.

However, there is one argument for outsourcing your love life: If it gets you there, sitting in front of what turns out to be the love of your life, what harm is really done?

Perhaps it’s the collateral that you might gather along the way that warrants a bit more consideration.

First published in mX newspaper on Friday August 6, 2010.

mX Column: Virtually Together

Emma — Tue, 25 May 2010 06:15:07 +0000

I’m sitting on a plane to Sydney as I write, on my way to visit my bestie, V.

I don’t spend much time on planes these days, though V does.

He moved to Sydney for work a year ago, while his partner still lives and works in Melbourne.

They fly back and forth as often as they can, running their relationship across the east coast, but mainly living independently.

The funny thing is, V and R aren’t the only couple I know doing this. Two more couples that I am very close to and are married also live in separate cities.

The common denominator in all these situations is work. They go where their jobs take them.

In a career-driven world, in the era of technological communication, where you can nab a flight interstate for $28 and where we can do business globally at the click of a mouse button, it is possible to run virtual relationships without ever living in the same city.

I guess it was always going to be the last frontier for the internet.

Businesses started outsourcing, then our friendships went online with the arrival of Facebook. Online dating is de rigeur.

So it’s only natural that with a little help from Skype and smartphones, there is a virtually ever after.

The long-term, long-distance relationship has come of age and gone online.

But what does this mean for couples?

It’s true that it’s easier than ever for long-distance to work, but there are still setbacks. No amount of fibre-optic cable can change the fact that you are apart.

“It’s not easy,” V admits.

“The constant travelling is exhausting. Not to mention, you’re always trying to fly out on a Friday night when everyone else is, and back on Sunday night when you really want to be relaxing and getting ready for work the next day.”

Footing the tickets for all that air travel can be expensive.

Then there’s covering two sets of rent (or mortgages) and buying new furniture for the second house.

If you are doing the long-distance thing (or thinking about it), experts recommend communicating as often as possible.

Keep it fresh by mixing the mediums – video chat, instant messenger, email, carrier pigeon…

Sending your partner gifts or handwritten letters is a way of being romantic when you can’t be there.

And beware expectations.

You may spend so much time missing your partner and building up the next time you see them that the reunions could be anticlimactic. And that can spell a-r-g-u-m-e-n-t.

Changing gear from virtual to physical contact might take some time to get used to.

But persevere – after all, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

mX Column: What Mothers Teach Us About Love

Emma — Tue, 11 May 2010 03:41:37 +0000

Thank goodness for mothers and their unconditional, all-enveloping love.

I know my mum is the one person in this world who will pick up the phone every time I call, and she’ll be glad to hear from me to boot. I can also depend on her to be the first by my side if I’m unwell or if I need her, bestowing homemade cooking and healthy doses of motherly love.

And no matter how old I am, I’ll never outgrow my need for her advice.

(Yes, it’s going to be a warm and fuzzy column this week. You’ve been warned.)

In the lead up to Mother’s Day, I’ve been thinking about the many things we learn from our mothers.

It is motherly love that first teaches us what we are to expect from our future relationships.

If you think about it, our mothers are the first real loves of our lives. When we’re children, she is the centre of our universe and we are the centre of hers.

She is our protector, our carer and our biggest fan.

It is inevitable then, that her looks, her nature, her personality and her sense of humour are what we go on to seek from our romantic affairs as adults.

Celebrity psychologist Dr. Joyce Brothers says: “If your mother was warm and giving, you will be attracted to partners who are warm and giving. If our mother was strong and even-tempered, we are going to be attracted to a fair-minded strength in our mates.”

We also learn a lot about how to act in a relationship from watching our parents interact with each other.

My own parents have the kind of love story that you see in movies. It is their story that convinces me true love exists. From my parents, I learnt that true love is a partnership. From them I learned that love takes generosity of spirit, acceptance and sometimes work.

And although their story was sadly cut short when my father died of cancer, years later my mother still talks about how in love they were. Having listened my whole life to the stories and – I like to think- gleaning early subconscious cues from watching them together, I found myself becoming a believer in true love.

I know I’m lucky to have my mum in my world, still teaching me about life. But sometimes mothers aren’t so appreciated.

A friend once fell in love with a man whose mother loved him so much that she did everything for him. As an adult, he expected domestic servitude, not loving companionship from a partner. Of course, they’re not together any longer.

Our mothers are worthy of much appreciation and adoration for all they do for us and give to us. Thank her this Sunday for everything she has taught you and everything she has been for you… she’s taught you more than you’d even imagine.

This column was originally published in mX Newspaper on Friday 7 May 2010

mX Column: Starting Over at 28

Emma — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 08:17:22 +0000

My friend, Y, has a problem. She has just broken up with her boyfriend of six years.

It’s a massive change, but she has coped remarkably well with the separation, and has re-established herself as an independent woman – new house, new job, new outlook on life.

Now, after months of painful healing, her ex is having regrets about the breakup.

And her doubts are creeping back too.

“I always thought I’d be married and have kids by the time I reached 30” says Y “But now, at 28, I have to start all over again.”

So, does she take the chance and get back together with a person she’s devoted six years of her time to, or does she start looking elsewhere?

If you are a numbers kind of person, doing the maths can be daunting.

How many dates do you have to go on before you find someone you like enough to be serious with? Give it, say, at least six months to a year?

Then one to two years of co-habitation before an engagement (assuming all goes swimmingly), perhaps another year to plan a wedding and then the obligatory honeymoon period before settling down to have some babies?

You can understand why she’s considering going back to an ex that she’s already been through all the preliminaries with. But is it the smartest idea?

If you look at it clincally, it’s a bit like the stock market. When your relationship stocks are down at this age, do you pull all your money out, cut your losses and move on, or hold tight to the familiar relationship and hope no one declares bankruptcy and bails out altogether in the meantime?

The problem is, love is never clinical (or normal) and few pre-planned life-timelines run to schedule.

While some people love a good five-year plan, others shudder at the thought. As John Lennon sang, life is what happens when you’re making other plans.

Why? People change, we change, things happen.

Y is not alone in her dilemma.

Many young women can tell the same tale – just as she expects him to step up the commitment level, he withdraws altogether.

Dr. Karen Weiss of East Melbourne Psychology thinks that it’s a blessing these women find out before the nuptials.

“Women tend to stay in a relationship longer than they can really afford to, time-wise, hoping that the man will one day commit,” says Weiss “Often, the late-20s break up can be a turning point for these women.”

Weiss recommends that women in their late twenties should be looking for men in their early thirties, with a little more maturity, who are ripe for commitment.

As for Y and the move-forward-or-go-back question, my advice is: Cash in your stocks and invest in a new market. The dividends will be worth it.

mX Column: The Age of the Bromance

Emma — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 21:40:19 +0000

I think my husband may be having an affair.

G. – the object of his affection – is tall, good-looking, and also happens to be our next door neighbour.

They see each other every day. They are members of the same gym, take frequent coffee breaks and if they can’t be in the same room together, I often catch them Skyping instant messages back and forth.

We joke all the time that he sees more of G. than he does of me. In all seriousness, I think that’s probably true.

It’s so serious, that when G. recently went on a two-week holiday, I had to pick up the moping pieces as Den complained that the fortnight was “dragging” without his accomplice there.

I’ve since Googled it – and diagnosed a Bromance.

A Bromance is a close friendship between two heterosexual males that is completely platonic. It does, however, involve a certain degree of intimacy, understanding and mutual admiration.

To the point that some wives and girlfriends are becoming jealous.

Bromancing is a relatively new trend for men. Waning are the days of steadfast, “manly” men who shutdown their emotions, lest they be regarded as wimpy. Male friendships of the past have usually revolved around watching some sort of competitive sport or going fishing together with a few tinnies in hand.

These days, they’re talking about feelings, sharing meaningful stories and spending hours and hours together on the phone… Could men finally be developing some quality outlets for talking about their emotions – with other men, no less?

Women have bonded together since prehistoric days, working together to support each other through relationships, child-rearing and household duties. Every gal has her best friends she can turn to in times of need, and now it seems – so do the menfolk.

It’s no surprise that experts have found that having a close-knit Bromance can make a man a better husband and father and is a sign of a well-adjusted, confident man.

For years, men have suffered the mental and emotional consequences of not being naturally social beings. This new cultural breakthrough will help to combat instances of depression and isolation and could even increase their lifespan.

So women, if your man is spending a lot of time with the “other man”, be thankful. Make an effort to embrace his friends into your life and be happy that he’s found someone he can share good times with.

mX Column: Lessons from Marriage

Emma — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 08:15:02 +0000

It’s my first wedding anniversary today. I can hardly believe a year has flown by, but at the same time it seems almost a lifetime ago.
I’m acutely aware that each anniversary is cause for celebration – particularly when statistically speaking, there’s at least a 40% chance that any given couple may not stay married forever.
What I wanted to do was to share what I had learned after a year of marriage. But, to be completely honest, I think I’m still trying to figure all that out.
Bridget Jones coined the ‘Smug Married’ term for us, instantly pitting singletons against marrieds but I wouldn’t believe it for one second.
You don’t get all the answers just because you’ve signed a marriage certificate.
Before you ever walk down the aisle, there is this perception that once you get married, your life will be sorted out once and for all.
I’m guilty of almost always having big expectations. Snow White and Cinderella have been drumming it into me all my life. You grow up, you fall in love with a handsome prince and you get married. Then (here comes the best part) you live Happily Ever After. The end.
Funnily enough, my housekeeping skills didn’t magically transform overnight (apparently you aren’t automatically bestowed them when the ring is slipped on the finger) and our petty arguments didn’t give way to the marital bliss I had anticipated.
I was brought back to earth smack bang in the middle of my honeymoon last year. The first few days were blissful; idyllic beach, cocktails at sunset and a poolside resort room – all nothing short of perfection.
Then the food poisoning kicked in. Not me, my new husband. Poor thing. But still – the image of him hurling up into the toilet bowl wasn’t in the mental honeymoon-brochure I’d been cultivating in my head since I first married off my Barbie and Ken all those years ago.
My dream honeymoon wasn’t stacking up.
Of course, the same lessons needed to be relearned once we came back home and realised that we weren’t automatically happy just because we’d gotten married.
If you wanted to become a karate master, or learn Mandarin, you’d understand that acquiring those skills will take a good deal of effort, energy and time. But marriage is sold to us as something that happens quite naturally once you’ve found your “true love”.
It simply can’t work that way.
Because as wonderful as marriage is, the reality is that you’re still trying to fit two completely separate beings together into one life.
So, at the end of one year of marriage all I can say is that I still feel like a novice. But here’s to continuing the learning process – and I can’t imagine anyone better to do that with than Den.

mX Column: Blind Dates? Bad News.

Emma — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 11:09:06 +0000

Despite the Austen-like images my moniker may conjure, I’m not much of a matchmaker.

I don’t believe in the ‘set up’, and especially not since one of my best friends, N. sent me on a blind date.

On paper, it should have worked perfectly.

He was cute, fun and intelligent, as promised. He even had just the right amount of eccentricity to keep me interested (I love a bit of quirkiness… past flings of mine have included a Reiki practitioner and a macrobiotic vegan).

N. certainly had my type pinned. Why wouldn’t I take a recommendation from her?

We did click. We even had a pash at the back of a dark bar later that night. And then it started to get weird. We hadn’t even wrapped up the date when…

“I can’t wait to introduce you to my parents.” (Wait, what?)

“We’re going to be so happy together, we’re perfect for each other.”
(Sorry, I can’t hear you over the alarm bells in my head!)

And then, after I had escaped to what I thought was the safety of my own home, the phone calls started. Legions of them.

I was forced to have a break up conversation with a guy I had been on one date with. Not that that put a dent in his phone-stalking. An age later, he must have realized I hadn’t taken any of his calls for months, and they stopped. As for what I had to tell my friend about this “great guy” she’d set me up with… Awkward much?

Now, I know I’m not the only one with a story like this to tell. In fact, I couldn’t find a single happy set-up story (Do email me if you have one; we’re all dying to hear it.).

I heard tales of girls turning up at apartments late at night with no invitation after only one date, abusive phone calls, broken hearts and well-meaning matchmakers caught in the middle of it all.

My theory is that you should never set people up, because no matter how much you may adore your friends, you have no idea what your friends’ moral love codes are. They can’t necessarily be trusted when it comes to relationships.

I have seen some of my dearest, most wonderful friends turn to a quivering heap of hormones and emotions around a new love interest.

If you do find yourself caught in the middle of a friend that wants to set you up, you can first try diplomatically telling them you’re not interested.

If they’re insistent, try a group scenario rather than a one-on-one set up. Your friends will make a great buffer for the night and if you hit it off, then great! But if you decide you don’t like your potential flame, then you can walk away at the end of the night – no harm, no foul.

This column was originally published in MX News on Friday 5 February 2010.

mX Column: The Problem with Valentine’s Day

Emma — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 05:18:38 +0000

For our out-of-town readers: mX is a free newspaper available in the Melbourne, Sydney and Brisbane CBD at the end of the day, giving 700,000-odd people something to read on their commute home on trains, trams and buses. mX covers the issues that matter most in a concise, upbeat, funky, intelligent and sexy way.

Our very own Emma Merkas is their new Relationships Guru and her ‘How Was it For You?’ column will be published every Friday on the Flirt page of the paper. We’ll run a copy of it here every Monday for people that don’t have access to the publication. Happy reading!

Hear that? That’s the sound of hundreds of millions of red roses growing in unison… all working towards their one big day.

Of all 26 Valentine’s Days I’ve seen in my lifetime, I can remember only one of them.

Denis (my now-husband) and I had only been an official item for a few months. He didn’t strike me as a particularly romantic type, so I had been expecting zilch from him.

I nearly fell over when I found a long-stemmed red rose, a box of chocolates and a handwritten card waiting for me on the windscreen of my car.

He caught me by such surprise that I actually thought someone else must have put it there.

Mind you, I don’t remember a thing that he’s done for me on Valentine’s Day since. Which is not to say that he’s boycotted Valentine’s Day, just that the only things that tend to stick with us are the ones that surpass our expectations.

Seeing as expectations on V-day are around, oh say, stratospheric, we’re bound to be disappointed every year.

Not that anyone seems to be admitting it. Now more than ever, I’m detecting a distinct hate-vibe towards the Valentine’s Day… From couples, no less.

“I don’t need Hallmark to tell me when to do something nice for my wife,” complains my friend H.

“I think the whole idea of only being romantic/sweet to each other on one day is BS!” Messages one disillusioned Twitterista.

And while guys seem to be genuinely blasé about V-Day in general… Well. Here’s the thing: I suspect that no matter how much a woman may slander the commercialism of Valentine’s Day… secretly she wants – maybe even expects – something devastatingly romantic to happen to her.

What I do love about Valentine’s Day, commercialism aside, is that it’s a prompter for romance!

Because, when pressed, even my grumbling couples confess that romance can be a bit thin on the ground on the 364 other non-Valentine’s Days of the year.

I say just embrace the damn day for what it is. And yes, that means doing something romantic for your sweetie. That’s the point of the whole thing, isn’t it?

I know men think that the romance thing is very complicated. It’s really not: Flowers. Chocolates. Cupcakes. Jewellery. Lingerie. Candlelit dinners. Rowboats. Love notes. Picnics in the Park. Moonlight cinemas.

It may sound cheesy, but who cares? Just put a little thought into it and I promise you’ll have a glowing, satisfied Valentine!

And hey, just for good measure? Maybe try a little romance in the off-season as well.

Originally published in mX newspaper on Friday 29 January 2010.

So go on… tell us what you really think about Valentine’s Day!

mX Column: How Was it For You?

Emma — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 23:49:34 +0000

Our very own Emma Merkas is their new Relationships Guru and her column will be published every Friday on the Flirt page of the paper. We’ll run a copy of it here every Monday for people that don’t have access to the publication. Happy reading!

I recently got married. Last March, in fact, which I think technically still makes me a newlywed.

It’s a weird phase to be in – you’ve made it through the thrill of the big day and the fun of the honeymoon, through that lull after the wedding-high disappears, after all the nuptial planning stops consuming your life, and into that period of time where it dawns on you that your are a bound to another person – for real. Like, by law.

But it feels like just a heartbreak ago that I was single.

Nights out in bars dancing, roaming in packs with other singletons, going on first dates, going on bad dates, laughing about the dismal dates over brunch with friends.

I was so busy having fun that I was hardly home.Why is it we seem to have so much more energy when we’re single? Is it some primal, peacock-like drive to put ourselves out there on show until we find a suitable mate?

And then why, once we’ve found, dated and conquered our perfect match, does the couch suddenly look so much more attractive than a night on the town?

It’s because of all this that my husband, Denis, and I still date – each other that is. And to share the fun, we set up our own business aimed at helping make relationships and dating better for everyone.

Our baby is $30 Date Night; a date ideas website to inspire couples to keep dating each other long into their relationships.

$30 Date Night appeared when we realised that contrary to popular belief, there is no automatic Happily Ever After. We’ve discovered that if our relationship (if any relationship, for that matter) is going to have a fighting chance at success, then we need to tap into some of that single-person energy.

Which is why Den and I still date. Every week.

We take it in turns to organise the date. We do something different every time and it can’t cost more than $30 for two.

So far (among other things) we’ve been ice skating and star-gazing, got lost in a hedge maze, spent a night parked at a roulette table at the casino and, most recently, took a revealing trip to a nudist beach.

As for this column, even though I am married, I won’t just be talking matrimony. Expect a bit of everything from flirting, dating and sex to romance love, and all that falls in between. And I have to say, I’m looking forward to our standing Friday date.

Emma x

Originally Published in mX newspaper on Friday 22 January 2010