On average, a person who finds themselves in a relationship will suddenly realise two of their nearest and dearest will suddenly become not so close and probably even disappear from their lives altogether.

The researchers looking into the study theorise that it’s a matter of having enough time to spend with your friends.

Your new partner takes the place of one close friend, the other disappears as a casualty of not having enough quality time to go around.

But what if it’s because your friends don’t like your partner? Or your partner hates your friends?

My man and I recently lost a few friends because of their new partners. Disappointing, really.

At some point a person has to make a choice – the person they love or the people they’ve shared years of friendship and loyalty with.

It’s never a hard choice because love is blind and will win out every time when stumped up against a few good mates.

Usually, you wouldn’t say anything to a friend about not liking their new love interest.

Occasionally, though, your friends may have a hiatus with their partner.

I don’t like to say “break up” because that would be permanent. And as a friend, you need to keep in mind that it may not be all that permanent.

“Oh thank God!” you might exclaim to your friend. “I never liked her anyway.”

You get down and dirty in a good old bitch session about the ex with your friend.

You think you’re supporting them, helping them feel better about the break up. They spill all the most horrible aspects of their ex’s behaviour from over the years. You nod in all the right places, offer your advice and back them up 100%.

And then?

They get back together. Awkward much? It’s no wonder friends like that get cut loose.

A person in love can forget all the awful parts about their partner, about what may have happened over the course of the break up, so long as there’s not someone there to remind them.

A group of guys I know well went out one night and embarked on the abhorrent practice of grading girls out of 10 upon first sight.

When one of them hooked up with a girl, his best mate instantly wrote her off as “a three” and told his mate not to go home with her that night.

Of course, he’s married to the “three” now. I bet that makes for awesome dinner parties.

What to do, then, if your partner and your friends just don’t get along?

Remember that if your friends are the ones being haters, they’re probably just looking out for you. It’s amazing how our besties can be more loyal to us than we are to ourselves.

If your partner is the disapproving one, it usually stems from some sort of jealousy or insecurity, or perhaps your friends are behaving badly towards them.

A power struggle of sorts for your attention. Smooth it over as best you can and see if everyone will put aside their differences. Unlikely.

You can keep them apart, but that’s no fun.

Or – as most people seem to (sadly) opt for – you can let your friends go.

Had a friendship bust up over love? Hate your mate’s partner? Go on, vent in the comments. You know you want to.

This ‘How Was It For You?’ column was originally published on the Flirt Page of mX Newspaper on 8 October 2010. Emma writes a weekly column for the paper. You can see the back-catalogue here.

Roses, candles, love letters, chocolates… I’m a sucker for all the tacky clichés and I don’t care if it’s wrong. I don’t even want to be right.

When I was younger and more impressionable I also believed in soulmates.

That there was one person you were destined to be with forever. That would make you happy, connect with you on all levels, rock your world like never before.

But I don’t anymore. Like Santa and the tooth fairy, adulthood and a healthy dose of cynicism has quashed that fantasy.

The cringe-worthy ‘You Complete Me’ soulmate theory extends back much further than Jerry Maguire to Greek mythology when the philosopher Aristophanes theorised that humans once had four arms and four legs, and two faces on a single head, roaming the world in perfect contentment.

These super-double-humans were so powerful that the Gods were uneasy. So Zeus sliced them all in half and condemned them to roam the earth seeking their other half. Humans were never happy again until they were reunited with their missing pieces. That’s how soulmates were created.

I call bullshit on that one.

First of all, I don’t think there is just one person for everyone out there. Secondly, I believe soulmates can come in many forms – not just lovers. Friends, mentors, family. Some people you just click with.

Elizabeth Gilbert is the author of book (now-to-be movie) Eat, Pray, Love. In her opinion, the word soulmate, as we have come to know it is – in a word – toxic.

We have romanticised the sentiment when in fact it is a cover for nothing more than ‘infatuation’, which is a dysfunctional way to conduct a relationship.

“I don’t feel like my husband is my soulmate – thank God!” said Gilbert recently in a television interview. “I feel like he’s my husband. I have my own soul, he has his own soul. We are each others’ mates.”

This way, she says, they can walk forward together in life, side by side, looking ahead together, as opposed to being sewn together, introverted and inward looking, depending on each other like oxygen.

The idea that there is just one person for everyone, and when you find them they will be perfect for you in every way creates enormous pressure on relationships.

People wander around looking for ‘The One’, all the while disregarding wonderful partners because they aren’t ‘perfect’.

Journalist Lori Gottlieb recently caused a stir with an article urging women to ‘settle for Mr. Good Enough’.

Too many women, she says, end up alone because they were too quick to discard a man if there was no immediate spark, or because he didn’t tick all the boxes.

Or because they were fruitlessly waiting for their soulmate. The One.

No one person can or will ever complete you or make you happy.

But don’t worry. Prince Charming may not be coming, but there are plenty of wonderful people out there that may just be a mind-blowing match for you. You just need to give them a chance.

I’ve asked this before, but do you believe in soulmates?

Food and love have been linked since… well, probably since the dawn of time.

I’m sure the most romantic thing a caveman could do for his cavewoman was bring home a woolly mammoth and feed it to her by the cavefire, whilst lying on a sabre tooth tiger skin rug.

Actually, that’s not too far off the mark. While scientists are still debating the precise evolution of cooking, one new theory has stepped out of the stone age to challenge our notions of relationships and marriage.

Men and women bonded together around the ritual of providing food for each other. Men would protect the clan from animals drawn by the flames and the smells while the women would prepare the meal.

The time spent together in these pairs at night fostered time for relationships to grow. So, perhaps, was born the old cliché – the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

But even all these years later, it seems that good food equals great sex or at the very least, romance.

There are the movies like Chocolat, or Like Water for Chocolate which captivate audiences time and time again.

There are the foods that underpin great romantic moments.

I’m talking about strawberries, French champagne, Belgian chocolate and oysters. Caviar and vintage soft cheese. Ripe fruits. Whipped cream.

These foods are invariably decadent and rich. They’re impractical for daily consumption. They’re expensive.

All of which makes them absolutely perfect in the romance stakes.

A dining experience with a potential mate can tell you a lot about them.

Psychologists now know that (in general) men don’t like women who order a salad and then pick at it, not wanting to eat. Women hate men that snap their fingers at waiters. Both sexes are turned off by obvious displays of gluttony (Augustus Gloop, anyone?).

I know one thing. I love a man that can cook. Or better yet, bake.

I have recently had the pleasure of sampling many butter-heavy creations from a real life French pastry chef (with a real life French accent!) and if we weren’t both already romantically reserved, I probably would’ve kidnapped him and chained him up in my kitchen so he could bake me chocolate croissants all day long.

As it is, I’ve got my man who makes a mean spaghetti Bolognese but not much else. He did bake me a chocolate cake once from scratch and all the girls in the office just about swooned when I took it into work the next day and they found out he’d made it for me.

There’s no doubt about it, if you need to up the romance stakes in your life, the best thing to do is orchestrate a decadent dining experience.

A floor picnic on a rug in your lounge with crusty breads, good wine and a cheese board.

A dessert-only date in a quiet corner at an expensive restaurant.

A candlelit dinner over a homemade three-course meal laced with aphrodisiacs, or even just serving breakfast in bed with a rose on the side.

All positively delicious, all guaranteed to whet your lover’s appetite.

This ‘How Was It For You?’ column was originally published in mX Newspaper on Friday 13th August.

Me? I like to keep a bit of mystery going on in a relationship. Some things are best done behind closed doors.

Hell, I wouldn’t even reference my underarms in front of my husband, never mind letting him near them with a tub of hot wax.

I can happily tell you that in my entire life, I have never once whipped out a razor or wax strips in front of a guy. I don’t leave the toilet door open, belch or cut the cheese in front of Mr Man.

I’m a lady, dammit, and I’m more than happy if the men in my life have no clue how or why my legs get to be so silky smooth and hairless.

I figure it’s kind of like a tree falling in the woods: If no one is around to see it, does it actually fall?

It’s not that I think it would turn him off for life. I just like to keep a modicum of privacy about myself… and my hair removal tactics.

But as it turns out, I’m a bit of a prude when it comes to my attitude in this department.

A recent survey of 3000 women revealed that only 18 per cent purposely keep their beauty routine to themselves, even after getting comfortable in a relationship.

Seems most are happy to get around with their Nair on their legs, plucking chin whiskers or whatnot in front of their partner.

I admire the openness. I just can’t bring myself to do it.

It’s not a subject people take lightly.

When I wrote a while ago in a blog post that I found my husband’s glee in noisy bodily functions gross, one venomous commenter who thought I was particularly prudish wished him colon cancer so I could “learn my lesson”. Ouch.

Before anyone else jumps on that bandwagon I want to be clear: Let’s not wish anyone colon cancer over this.

It’s the lack of manners that gets to me.

I just don’t think “pull my finger” is appropriate dinner table conversation.

There are many – men and women – that will disagree with me.

Plenty of women are much more relaxed about their bathroom privacy, some even comfortable enough to, er, “go” with th door hopen or even, (shudder) with their partner in the room.

It’s a fierce debate that will no doubt continue to rage for eons.

“Door closed.” votes Lady V. “I mean come on, we’re not savages!”

I have to agree – I like to think we have options. We don’t have to have an open-door policy just because we feel comfortable with our partner.

And regardless of what eye-opening experiences you’ve shared with your partner in the past, perhaps reclaiming a small slice of privacy could be just the refresher your relationship needs.

I resent getting out of bed before 9am. It takes me hours to wake up properly and God help you if you try anything smart with me before I’ve had a coffee.

Nothing is more annoying than a chirpy early bird who has been up for hours before I’ve barely cracked open an eyelid.

You know, the kind that trills: “What do you mean you’re only getting up? You would’ve missed that gorgeous sunrise. I’ve already been to the gym, eaten a pancake breakfast, done the week’s shopping and created world peace!”

Sheesh.

It’s a fact (no really, a real life fact) that some people are genetically programmed to be their best at night while others perform better in the early hours of the day.

It makes you wonder, can morning larks and night owls ever comfortably share a nest?

Think about it: If you’re constantly at your best at opposite times of the day, it’s difficult to relate to each other in the best way – apart from between the hours of, say, 2pm-4pm. But most of us are busy at our office jobs then.

Mismatched morning larks and night owls are more likely to bicker with each other, spend less time in serious conversation or shared activities and – here’s the really painful bit – have significantly less sex. Ouch.

My last boyfriend was a morning person (that ended well!). The kind who hit me with business questions as soon as I was awake and expected well thought-out answers.

The kind who would shoot withering glances my way, implying silently that my reticence to seize the day was holding me (and somehow him) back from the world.

But you know what?

Come 9pm, morning people are useless – comatose on the couch, catching up on the hours of sleep they missed in the ay-em.

It’s these precious late hours when I do my best work. In the hours before midnight, I’ve been known to clean the house from top to bottom, write 1000-word articles and even do my tax.

The good news is, if you find yourself on opposite timetables, you can work hard to adjust your body clock with understanding, acceptance, enough time, the help of a few melatonin supplements and sheer determination.

Just make sure he or she is worth synchronising watches for.

Then you just need to decide which partner will come to the dark side.

I know my mum is the one person in this world who will pick up the phone every time I call, and she’ll be glad to hear from me to boot. I can also depend on her to be the first by my side if I’m unwell or if I need her, bestowing homemade cooking and healthy doses of motherly love.

And no matter how old I am, I’ll never outgrow my need for her advice.

(Yes, it’s going to be a warm and fuzzy column this week. You’ve been warned.)

In the lead up to Mother’s Day, I’ve been thinking about the many things we learn from our mothers.

It is motherly love that first teaches us what we are to expect from our future relationships.

If you think about it, our mothers are the first real loves of our lives. When we’re children, she is the centre of our universe and we are the centre of hers.

She is our protector, our carer and our biggest fan.

It is inevitable then, that her looks, her nature, her personality and her sense of humour are what we go on to seek from our romantic affairs as adults.

Celebrity psychologist Dr. Joyce Brothers says: “If your mother was warm and giving, you will be attracted to partners who are warm and giving. If our mother was strong and even-tempered, we are going to be attracted to a fair-minded strength in our mates.”

We also learn a lot about how to act in a relationship from watching our parents interact with each other.

My own parents have the kind of love story that you see in movies. It is their story that convinces me true love exists. From my parents, I learnt that true love is a partnership. From them I learned that love takes generosity of spirit, acceptance and sometimes work.

And although their story was sadly cut short when my father died of cancer, years later my mother still talks about how in love they were. Having listened my whole life to the stories and – I like to think- gleaning early subconscious cues from watching them together, I found myself becoming a believer in true love.

I know I’m lucky to have my mum in my world, still teaching me about life. But sometimes mothers aren’t so appreciated.

A friend once fell in love with a man whose mother loved him so much that she did everything for him. As an adult, he expected domestic servitude, not loving companionship from a partner. Of course, they’re not together any longer.

Our mothers are worthy of much appreciation and adoration for all they do for us and give to us. Thank her this Sunday for everything she has taught you and everything she has been for you… she’s taught you more than you’d even imagine.

This column was originally published in mX Newspaper on Friday 7 May 2010

“I just sent a text to my ex,” she confided.

“Do you think that was a mistake?”

Not just once. It turns out she had sent him two messages. Once to say “I’m at such-and-such bar.” Then again to say, “Sorry, sent that to the wrong person.”

Of course she hadn’t actually sent it to the wrong person. She just wanted him to know where she was but didn’t want him to know that she wanted him to know where she was.

Make sense?

Well it worked. He turned up and they went home together that night.

I shamefully confess that I have played a similar game.

I once got all dressed up on a Friday night, sure that this particular guy that I’d been seeing for awhile would call me for a drink or to hang out.

I didn’t want to be caught unawares so I went through the hair/make-up/outfit process only to find my phone silent.

So of course I did what any self-respecting girl would do. I rang him and trilled nonchalantly that a friend had stood me up last minute and I was quite literally all dressed up with nowhere to go.

We ended up catching up that night (score one, Team Emma!)

And he was oblivious to my little game.

Of course men say they hate women who play games, and yet have their own set of tricks.

It’s no wonder girls keep playing the games – we’re not supposed to call, we’re not supposed to chase, we’re not supposed to come on too strong.

Of course textual manipulation is just one of the ways around this.

There’s make-him-jealous moves, the silent treatment and the play-hard-to-get-tactic – all of which can blow up in a girl’s face.

But what’s really behind it? Are these little games the only way we can bait men without fear of outright rejection?

And is it at the expense of our own sanity? Surely no sane and balanced woman wants to feel like a crazy, manipulative witch?

The fact is, all that game playing can get downright exhausting – because, in fact, you’re driving yourself crazy.

Girls will self-destructively mull for hours over what a guy is possibly playing at. But guys are usually unaware they’re playing (or being played) at all.

It’s not that they all sit around thinking about footy scores but they’re certainly not dissecting every character in an SMS to find out “what it really means”.

Is it time to throw in the bat and ball and be adults, or are games still the only way to win?

It’s a massive change, but she has coped remarkably well with the separation, and has re-established herself as an independent woman – new house, new job, new outlook on life.

Now, after months of painful healing, her ex is having regrets about the breakup.

And her doubts are creeping back too.

“I always thought I’d be married and have kids by the time I reached 30” says Y “But now, at 28, I have to start all over again.”

So, does she take the chance and get back together with a person she’s devoted six years of her time to, or does she start looking elsewhere?

If you are a numbers kind of person, doing the maths can be daunting.

How many dates do you have to go on before you find someone you like enough to be serious with? Give it, say, at least six months to a year?

Then one to two years of co-habitation before an engagement (assuming all goes swimmingly), perhaps another year to plan a wedding and then the obligatory honeymoon period before settling down to have some babies?

You can understand why she’s considering going back to an ex that she’s already been through all the preliminaries with. But is it the smartest idea?

If you look at it clincally, it’s a bit like the stock market. When your relationship stocks are down at this age, do you pull all your money out, cut your losses and move on, or hold tight to the familiar relationship and hope no one declares bankruptcy and bails out altogether in the meantime?

The problem is, love is never clinical (or normal) and few pre-planned life-timelines run to schedule.

While some people love a good five-year plan, others shudder at the thought. As John Lennon sang, life is what happens when you’re making other plans.

Why? People change, we change, things happen.

Y is not alone in her dilemma.

Many young women can tell the same tale – just as she expects him to step up the commitment level, he withdraws altogether.

Dr. Karen Weiss of East Melbourne Psychology thinks that it’s a blessing these women find out before the nuptials.

“Women tend to stay in a relationship longer than they can really afford to, time-wise, hoping that the man will one day commit,” says Weiss “Often, the late-20s break up can be a turning point for these women.”

Weiss recommends that women in their late twenties should be looking for men in their early thirties, with a little more maturity, who are ripe for commitment.

As for Y and the move-forward-or-go-back question, my advice is: Cash in your stocks and invest in a new market. The dividends will be worth it.

G. – the object of his affection – is tall, good-looking, and also happens to be our next door neighbour.

They see each other every day. They are members of the same gym, take frequent coffee breaks and if they can’t be in the same room together, I often catch them Skyping instant messages back and forth.

We joke all the time that he sees more of G. than he does of me. In all seriousness, I think that’s probably true.

It’s so serious, that when G. recently went on a two-week holiday, I had to pick up the moping pieces as Den complained that the fortnight was “dragging” without his accomplice there.

I’ve since Googled it – and diagnosed a Bromance.

A Bromance is a close friendship between two heterosexual males that is completely platonic. It does, however, involve a certain degree of intimacy, understanding and mutual admiration.

To the point that some wives and girlfriends are becoming jealous.

Bromancing is a relatively new trend for men. Waning are the days of steadfast, “manly” men who shutdown their emotions, lest they be regarded as wimpy. Male friendships of the past have usually revolved around watching some sort of competitive sport or going fishing together with a few tinnies in hand.

These days, they’re talking about feelings, sharing meaningful stories and spending hours and hours together on the phone… Could men finally be developing some quality outlets for talking about their emotions – with other men, no less?

Women have bonded together since prehistoric days, working together to support each other through relationships, child-rearing and household duties. Every gal has her best friends she can turn to in times of need, and now it seems – so do the menfolk.

It’s no surprise that experts have found that having a close-knit Bromance can make a man a better husband and father and is a sign of a well-adjusted, confident man.

For years, men have suffered the mental and emotional consequences of not being naturally social beings. This new cultural breakthrough will help to combat instances of depression and isolation and could even increase their lifespan.

So women, if your man is spending a lot of time with the “other man”, be thankful. Make an effort to embrace his friends into your life and be happy that he’s found someone he can share good times with.

You see, I hate financials. Most of my life, I’ve taken a head-in-the-sand approach to my money. I don’t pay attention to my bank balance, have been of the belief that saving is about as exciting as rearranging my sock drawer and have not exactly been stringent about paying my bills on time.

Funnily enough, I’m fantastic at spending money. If it were an Olympic sport, you would’ve seen me on a podium at Beijing for sure.

I’m also a little ashamed to admit that once Den and I became engaged, I happily relinquished all money matters over to him. Yep – I was one of those women that was just waiting for a man to take over for her.

What’s scary is that up to 50% of all divorce cases cite money issues as the deal-breaker. Most couples will argue about money at some stage and if it’s not dealt with, it can become a serious stressor on the relationship.

It’s not necessarily that these couples don’t have enough money, it’s different approaches to money that causes the problems.

For instance, I’m from the “money is for enjoying” school of thought. And I’m probably more extremist than most about it.

Den, meanwhile, is all about the very sensible “money is for security” philosophy.

(For all those playing at home, if neither of these sounds like you, there is a third category which is “money is for sharing” that you may fall into).

Unfortunately the reality of relationships means that you have to talk about money at some point, and maybe even come clean about your huge credit card debt or your secret shoe fetish.

Setting a budget as a couple and laying some ground rules for financial spending is mandatory. I also believe that having some personal play money – that the other partner can’t keep track of – is necessary.

For now, Den and I take a fairly separate approach to our finances. No joint account, no questions over spending – apart from the occasional, accusatory “Is that new?” from him when I sport a top he’s never seen… (“What, this old thing?”). But we are across what is going on financially for the other person and the communication helps.

But what makes him (and me) most comfortable now is knowing I’m putting money away and paying myself first, and I’m committed to keep saving and to maintain an active interest in our family finances.

It was about time I grew up. What about you?