But how many people arm themselves with instructions on how to be in a relationship?

Not many. And certainly not many proactively. It seems to me that most people won’t seek help or guidance on how to be in a relationship until problems arise. By which time it’s usually too late.

Here are four common relationship mistakes that people make. Anything sound familiar here? I know I’m guilty of a few.

Arguing to Win, Not to Resolve

It’s far too easy to fall into the trap of keeping tally of argument wins, particularly if you’re both the stubborn type.

When arguing, try and keep on point, and try to remember that the best end goal for you both is a resolution of the problem, not another point on your imaginary scoreboard. This should help keep you both calm and civil towards each other.

Also? In light of this tip, let the little things slide. Who cares who forgot to change the toilet roll in the bathroom or who drank the last of the milk? Chillax, it’s not worth the pain.

Expecting Too Much

Oh boy, am I guilty of this one! Having major expectations of a situation or a person is always going to leave you disappointed. Bitterly, bitterly disappointed.

For example, I had this notion in my head that once we were married, we would have a wonderful honeymoon period of no arguing at all, gazing at each other lovingly for hours, wanting to spend time only together, passionate sex every day… and then Den got sick on our honeymoon and I was left to fend for myself while he played his PSP and watched DVDs in our hotel room. Not exactly the picture perfect life I had planned! I thought we’d be blissed out for months. In reality, it lasted all of three days.

Same goes when it comes to birthdays, engagements, proposals, wedding rings, gifts and more… if you have certain expectations of your partner, let them know. It’s only fair!

Letting Romance Slide

Sure, you’ve been together for years. You’ve seen each other at your worst, held each other’s hair back while throwing up into the toilet when you’re sick (or after a big night out), on the couch in trackies with unwashed hair, perhaps through childbirth. Perhaps you leave the bathroom door open.

All of which are no excuse to let the romance slide! Make an effort. Do it regularly. They don’t have to be grand gestures. Bring home a bunch of flowers. Switch off the TV and eat by candlelight at the dining table. Call from work and arrange to meet your partner at a restaurant, surprise them with tickets to a show, book a hotel room.

In short, stop every now and then and do something spontaneous for your sweetie that will blow them away and show them that you care. They deserve it! And so does your relationship.

Not Understanding the Needs of Different Personality Styles

We all need different things. Some people need lots of affection. Others need to spend quality time with their sweetie. Some need to feel looked after and some like small gifts and gestures to show that they’re loved.

Do you actually know what your partner’s Love Language is?

Find out, and use it to your advantage. It will make them happier and therefore you will be happier, and your relationship will feel more fulfilled.

These are only four common mistakes out of gosh-knows how many. Are you guilty of any of the above? Any I’ve left off that you’d like addressed?

Instead of throwing him out, setting her lawyers on him or sobbing hysterically, Laura called bullshit.

What ensued was her husband going through a mid-life crisis and Laura giving him the space to do that in his own home. By letting him have his solitude, he worked through his issues in his own mind and came back to his family.

Laura’s initial article on the ordeal was published in the New York Times last year, causing great controversy along the way. Here is an excerpt:

“Here’s a visual: Child throws a temper tantrum. Tries to hit his mother. But the mother doesn’t hit back, lecture or punish. Instead, she ducks. Then she tries to go about her business as if the tantrum isn’t happening. She doesn’t “reward” the tantrum. She simply doesn’t take the tantrum personally because, after all, it’s not about her.

Let me be clear: I’m not saying my husband was throwing a child’s tantrum. No. He was in the grip of something else — a profound and far more troubling meltdown that comes not in childhood but in midlife, when we perceive that our personal trajectory is no longer arcing reliably upward as it once did. But I decided to respond the same way I’d responded to my children’s tantrums. And I kept responding to it that way. For four months.

“I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did.”

His words came at me like a speeding fist, like a sucker punch, yet somehow in that moment I was able to duck. And once I recovered and composed myself, I managed to say, “I don’t buy it.” Because I didn’t.

He drew back in surprise. Apparently he’d expected me to burst into tears, to rage at him, to threaten him with a custody battle. Or beg him to change his mind.”

Since then, the article has evolved into a book. Here is Laura talking about it on ABC News last week:

Is this method a revelation? Could more marriages have been saved with the same attitude? After all, in just about every argument there can come a point where you know you’ve gone too far, said too much, to ever reverse the situation. Could the same ring true with divorces?

Of course, every marriage and every break up is different, but what I love is that Laura believed in her husband enough to know that he was just freaking out. He got through it, but I wager that if she’d reacted – yelled, screamed, fought back – that we would be looking at just another divorce statistic rather than this book.

We’ve waned from our usual Wednesday night date night, which means some weeks go by with us forgetting to schedule a date night… and while we’ve had lots of quality time spent together, that’s really not what it’s all about.

It’s served to really reinforce to us again that if you don’t have a schedule and structures in place, date night will never happen. It’s too easy for us to fall off the wagon and end up in front of the TV every night (the fact that Den gave me the entire Sex and the City Box Set for my birthday also hasn’t helped matters any!).

So.

We’re getting back on the date night horse. (It’s a fancy horse, too!) We’re recommitting to date night with each other again. And if you’ve forgotten all about your own date nights too, we recommend you do the same.

Remember the rules?

1. Pick a night every week.
That is your night together. Don’t schedule anything over the top of it. If you absolutely have to, then you can negotiate in advance with your partner to move it to another day for that week only.

Wednesday is our date night.

2. Take it in turns to organise.
It is no fun for one person to continually be the instigator of date night every time. If you’re stuck for ides, guess what? We’ve done the hard work for you. If you head to $30 Date Night and set up an account, you can even save a list of the date ideas you love the sound of so that you can refer to it when it’s your week to organise the date.

3. Mix it up.
Humans are creatures of habit. If you don’t consciously choose to do new, fun things with your partner every week then you will end up at the same favourite restaurants (think about how many times you go to the same place to eat out, or order takeaway from the same Thai food shop…) or doing the same, comfortable activities again and again.

You may love doing those things, but your relationship will not thank you for it. Remember, it’s been proven that doing new things together as a couple sparks the same hormones as when you first fell in love! Bring back the butterflies by doing something fresh and different every week!

And remember, it doesn’t matter if you have kids, or your budget is tight, there are ways around all those things and that is essentially what $30 Date Night is all about. Don’t make excuses. Don’t wiggle your way out of it. Just do it.

Who’s with us?

The Love Language theory was developed by a lovely man named Gary Chapman (well, I don’t actually know Gary personally, but he does seem lovely). The theory goes that there are five Love Languages in this world, and everyone speaks their own distinct dialect. Essentially, what he’s talking about is the way you express to someone that you love them, and the way you interpret that they love you back.

The idea goes that if two people have the same love language, they will be able to communicate their love to each other without mishap. Speak different languages and you will have a harder time getting through to each other… For example:

My love language is Physical Touch. Me? I’m all about the touching. Hugs, kisses, hair tousling, holding hands, watching TV while nestled on the same couch (no matter how uncomfortable it may get, I won’t budge), back rubs, massages, a hand on the knee while sitting at the dinner table. Can’t get enough of it. I blame my mother. When I was a baby, she used to do the housework with me strapped to her in the sling. She would wake me up just to hug me again! Cute. I imagine my poor children will be smothered with love by me just the same. Of course, Chapman agrees that the way we are raised drastically impacts how we interpret love.

Denis speaks a completely different language. In fact, of the five languages, his is the one I identify with the least, according to the quiz in the back of the book (not off to a good start, are we?). His is Acts of Service. This means that he feels loved and appreciates it when I make the bed, clean the house, do the dishes, cook his dinner and much more (groan – this is, in fact, the lowest scoring language out of the five on the quiz I took in the back of the book. I scored 1 out of a possible 12 for this language. Plus, I’m lazy). He, in turn, naturally shows me that he loves me by fixing my computer, washing my clothes and putting oil in my car.

The problem with speaking a different love language to your partner is that your efforts at showing them you love them can be completely lost in translation… for instance, I might think that showering Den with hugs and kisses is a great example of how I feel about him. He usually just thinks I’m being clingy and annoying, and I get swatted away from him.

Den might spend four hours fixing my computer in a grand gesture of love, and meanwhile I’m complaining that he’s spent four hours ignoring me without so much as a peck on the cheek. The potential for communication breakdowns is rife!

It used to cause problems between us. We just didn’t get each other.

Now that we’ve read the book, we kind of understand. Chapman explains that you need to keep each other’s “love tanks” (or “love banks”, as they are also referred to), full. Which means if Den is in a sour mood, I can guarantee putting a smile on his face if I clean the house and make him dinner. Likewise, if I’m unhappy, a huge hug and a handful of kisses will set me right again.

There are three extra love languages – Quality Time people need you to set aside specific time to spend with them (date night, anyone?!) and will do the same for you no matter how busy they are, Words of Affirmation lovers crave constant encouragement from their partners and Gifts people love to buy and receive little tokens of love from their sweeties.

If you’re busy buying your partner bunches of roses when what they really want is a night just with you, or you’re doing the washing when they just want to be told they’re brilliant, you may have a communication breakdown.

Each chapter in the book ends with recommendations for how you can express love to your sweetie in a language they will understand. Den, if you’re reading this – taking my hand while we’re walking, rushing up to hug me when you haven’t seen me in awhile or rubbing my knee under the dinner table are all great ways to keep me feeling loved-up. (Meanwhile, it is recommend I degrease Den’s car… or let him make me a list of 10 things he would love for me to do for him that I can complete over the coming weeks so that he feels loved…. Ummm… who got the short stick in this arrangement?)

I can’t recommend this book highly enough if you think you and your partner are talking different languages. It has practical advice and is full of case studies so that you can better understand your relationship with your partner and get in tune with them. You may need to side-step some of the religious connotations if you are not that way inclined, but that’s neither here nor there.

If you’d like to buy it, Amazon has it for sale here: The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate