$30 date night | Date Ideas, Marriage & Romance Blog » MX Columns

mX Column: Starting Over at 28

Emma — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 08:17:22 +0000

My friend, Y, has a problem. She has just broken up with her boyfriend of six years.

It’s a massive change, but she has coped remarkably well with the separation, and has re-established herself as an independent woman – new house, new job, new outlook on life.

Now, after months of painful healing, her ex is having regrets about the breakup.

And her doubts are creeping back too.

“I always thought I’d be married and have kids by the time I reached 30” says Y “But now, at 28, I have to start all over again.”

So, does she take the chance and get back together with a person she’s devoted six years of her time to, or does she start looking elsewhere?

If you are a numbers kind of person, doing the maths can be daunting.

How many dates do you have to go on before you find someone you like enough to be serious with? Give it, say, at least six months to a year?

Then one to two years of co-habitation before an engagement (assuming all goes swimmingly), perhaps another year to plan a wedding and then the obligatory honeymoon period before settling down to have some babies?

You can understand why she’s considering going back to an ex that she’s already been through all the preliminaries with. But is it the smartest idea?

If you look at it clincally, it’s a bit like the stock market. When your relationship stocks are down at this age, do you pull all your money out, cut your losses and move on, or hold tight to the familiar relationship and hope no one declares bankruptcy and bails out altogether in the meantime?

The problem is, love is never clinical (or normal) and few pre-planned life-timelines run to schedule.

While some people love a good five-year plan, others shudder at the thought. As John Lennon sang, life is what happens when you’re making other plans.

Why? People change, we change, things happen.

Y is not alone in her dilemma.

Many young women can tell the same tale – just as she expects him to step up the commitment level, he withdraws altogether.

Dr. Karen Weiss of East Melbourne Psychology thinks that it’s a blessing these women find out before the nuptials.

“Women tend to stay in a relationship longer than they can really afford to, time-wise, hoping that the man will one day commit,” says Weiss “Often, the late-20s break up can be a turning point for these women.”

Weiss recommends that women in their late twenties should be looking for men in their early thirties, with a little more maturity, who are ripe for commitment.

As for Y and the move-forward-or-go-back question, my advice is: Cash in your stocks and invest in a new market. The dividends will be worth it.

mX Column: The Age of the Bromance

Emma — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 21:40:19 +0000

I think my husband may be having an affair.

G. – the object of his affection – is tall, good-looking, and also happens to be our next door neighbour.

They see each other every day. They are members of the same gym, take frequent coffee breaks and if they can’t be in the same room together, I often catch them Skyping instant messages back and forth.

We joke all the time that he sees more of G. than he does of me. In all seriousness, I think that’s probably true.

It’s so serious, that when G. recently went on a two-week holiday, I had to pick up the moping pieces as Den complained that the fortnight was “dragging” without his accomplice there.

I’ve since Googled it – and diagnosed a Bromance.

A Bromance is a close friendship between two heterosexual males that is completely platonic. It does, however, involve a certain degree of intimacy, understanding and mutual admiration.

To the point that some wives and girlfriends are becoming jealous.

Bromancing is a relatively new trend for men. Waning are the days of steadfast, “manly” men who shutdown their emotions, lest they be regarded as wimpy. Male friendships of the past have usually revolved around watching some sort of competitive sport or going fishing together with a few tinnies in hand.

These days, they’re talking about feelings, sharing meaningful stories and spending hours and hours together on the phone… Could men finally be developing some quality outlets for talking about their emotions – with other men, no less?

Women have bonded together since prehistoric days, working together to support each other through relationships, child-rearing and household duties. Every gal has her best friends she can turn to in times of need, and now it seems – so do the menfolk.

It’s no surprise that experts have found that having a close-knit Bromance can make a man a better husband and father and is a sign of a well-adjusted, confident man.

For years, men have suffered the mental and emotional consequences of not being naturally social beings. This new cultural breakthrough will help to combat instances of depression and isolation and could even increase their lifespan.

So women, if your man is spending a lot of time with the “other man”, be thankful. Make an effort to embrace his friends into your life and be happy that he’s found someone he can share good times with.

mX Column: Lessons from Marriage

Emma — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 08:15:02 +0000

It’s my first wedding anniversary today. I can hardly believe a year has flown by, but at the same time it seems almost a lifetime ago.
I’m acutely aware that each anniversary is cause for celebration – particularly when statistically speaking, there’s at least a 40% chance that any given couple may not stay married forever.
What I wanted to do was to share what I had learned after a year of marriage. But, to be completely honest, I think I’m still trying to figure all that out.
Bridget Jones coined the ‘Smug Married’ term for us, instantly pitting singletons against marrieds but I wouldn’t believe it for one second.
You don’t get all the answers just because you’ve signed a marriage certificate.
Before you ever walk down the aisle, there is this perception that once you get married, your life will be sorted out once and for all.
I’m guilty of almost always having big expectations. Snow White and Cinderella have been drumming it into me all my life. You grow up, you fall in love with a handsome prince and you get married. Then (here comes the best part) you live Happily Ever After. The end.
Funnily enough, my housekeeping skills didn’t magically transform overnight (apparently you aren’t automatically bestowed them when the ring is slipped on the finger) and our petty arguments didn’t give way to the marital bliss I had anticipated.
I was brought back to earth smack bang in the middle of my honeymoon last year. The first few days were blissful; idyllic beach, cocktails at sunset and a poolside resort room – all nothing short of perfection.
Then the food poisoning kicked in. Not me, my new husband. Poor thing. But still – the image of him hurling up into the toilet bowl wasn’t in the mental honeymoon-brochure I’d been cultivating in my head since I first married off my Barbie and Ken all those years ago.
My dream honeymoon wasn’t stacking up.
Of course, the same lessons needed to be relearned once we came back home and realised that we weren’t automatically happy just because we’d gotten married.
If you wanted to become a karate master, or learn Mandarin, you’d understand that acquiring those skills will take a good deal of effort, energy and time. But marriage is sold to us as something that happens quite naturally once you’ve found your “true love”.
It simply can’t work that way.
Because as wonderful as marriage is, the reality is that you’re still trying to fit two completely separate beings together into one life.
So, at the end of one year of marriage all I can say is that I still feel like a novice. But here’s to continuing the learning process – and I can’t imagine anyone better to do that with than Den.

mX Column: Money Matters

Emma — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 06:02:40 +0000

It’s the last few days now of Febusave. More frightening than Febfast (cutting out alcohol), Febusave is an initiative set up by the ANZ Bank to encourage women to pay better attention to their finances. I rallied, and decided it was time I started taking an active role in looking after my own financial situation.

You see, I hate financials. Most of my life, I’ve taken a head-in-the-sand approach to my money. I don’t pay attention to my bank balance, have been of the belief that saving is about as exciting as rearranging my sock drawer and have not exactly been stringent about paying my bills on time.

Funnily enough, I’m fantastic at spending money. If it were an Olympic sport, you would’ve seen me on a podium at Beijing for sure.

I’m also a little ashamed to admit that once Den and I became engaged, I happily relinquished all money matters over to him. Yep – I was one of those women that was just waiting for a man to take over for her.

What’s scary is that up to 50% of all divorce cases cite money issues as the deal-breaker. Most couples will argue about money at some stage and if it’s not dealt with, it can become a serious stressor on the relationship.

It’s not necessarily that these couples don’t have enough money, it’s different approaches to money that causes the problems.

For instance, I’m from the “money is for enjoying” school of thought. And I’m probably more extremist than most about it.

Den, meanwhile, is all about the very sensible “money is for security” philosophy.

(For all those playing at home, if neither of these sounds like you, there is a third category which is “money is for sharing” that you may fall into).

Unfortunately the reality of relationships means that you have to talk about money at some point, and maybe even come clean about your huge credit card debt or your secret shoe fetish.

Setting a budget as a couple and laying some ground rules for financial spending is mandatory. I also believe that having some personal play money – that the other partner can’t keep track of – is necessary.

For now, Den and I take a fairly separate approach to our finances. No joint account, no questions over spending – apart from the occasional, accusatory “Is that new?” from him when I sport a top he’s never seen… (“What, this old thing?”). But we are across what is going on financially for the other person and the communication helps.

But what makes him (and me) most comfortable now is knowing I’m putting money away and paying myself first, and I’m committed to keep saving and to maintain an active interest in our family finances.

It was about time I grew up. What about you?

mX Column: The Problem with Valentine’s Day

Emma — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 05:18:38 +0000

For our out-of-town readers: mX is a free newspaper available in the Melbourne, Sydney and Brisbane CBD at the end of the day, giving 700,000-odd people something to read on their commute home on trains, trams and buses. mX covers the issues that matter most in a concise, upbeat, funky, intelligent and sexy way.

Our very own Emma Merkas is their new Relationships Guru and her ‘How Was it For You?’ column will be published every Friday on the Flirt page of the paper. We’ll run a copy of it here every Monday for people that don’t have access to the publication. Happy reading!

Hear that? That’s the sound of hundreds of millions of red roses growing in unison… all working towards their one big day.

Of all 26 Valentine’s Days I’ve seen in my lifetime, I can remember only one of them.

Denis (my now-husband) and I had only been an official item for a few months. He didn’t strike me as a particularly romantic type, so I had been expecting zilch from him.

I nearly fell over when I found a long-stemmed red rose, a box of chocolates and a handwritten card waiting for me on the windscreen of my car.

He caught me by such surprise that I actually thought someone else must have put it there.

Mind you, I don’t remember a thing that he’s done for me on Valentine’s Day since. Which is not to say that he’s boycotted Valentine’s Day, just that the only things that tend to stick with us are the ones that surpass our expectations.

Seeing as expectations on V-day are around, oh say, stratospheric, we’re bound to be disappointed every year.

Not that anyone seems to be admitting it. Now more than ever, I’m detecting a distinct hate-vibe towards the Valentine’s Day… From couples, no less.

“I don’t need Hallmark to tell me when to do something nice for my wife,” complains my friend H.

“I think the whole idea of only being romantic/sweet to each other on one day is BS!” Messages one disillusioned Twitterista.

And while guys seem to be genuinely blasé about V-Day in general… Well. Here’s the thing: I suspect that no matter how much a woman may slander the commercialism of Valentine’s Day… secretly she wants – maybe even expects – something devastatingly romantic to happen to her.

What I do love about Valentine’s Day, commercialism aside, is that it’s a prompter for romance!

Because, when pressed, even my grumbling couples confess that romance can be a bit thin on the ground on the 364 other non-Valentine’s Days of the year.

I say just embrace the damn day for what it is. And yes, that means doing something romantic for your sweetie. That’s the point of the whole thing, isn’t it?

I know men think that the romance thing is very complicated. It’s really not: Flowers. Chocolates. Cupcakes. Jewellery. Lingerie. Candlelit dinners. Rowboats. Love notes. Picnics in the Park. Moonlight cinemas.

It may sound cheesy, but who cares? Just put a little thought into it and I promise you’ll have a glowing, satisfied Valentine!

And hey, just for good measure? Maybe try a little romance in the off-season as well.

Originally published in mX newspaper on Friday 29 January 2010.

So go on… tell us what you really think about Valentine’s Day!

mX Column: How Was it For You?

Emma — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 23:49:34 +0000

Our very own Emma Merkas is their new Relationships Guru and her column will be published every Friday on the Flirt page of the paper. We’ll run a copy of it here every Monday for people that don’t have access to the publication. Happy reading!

I recently got married. Last March, in fact, which I think technically still makes me a newlywed.

It’s a weird phase to be in – you’ve made it through the thrill of the big day and the fun of the honeymoon, through that lull after the wedding-high disappears, after all the nuptial planning stops consuming your life, and into that period of time where it dawns on you that your are a bound to another person – for real. Like, by law.

But it feels like just a heartbreak ago that I was single.

Nights out in bars dancing, roaming in packs with other singletons, going on first dates, going on bad dates, laughing about the dismal dates over brunch with friends.

I was so busy having fun that I was hardly home.Why is it we seem to have so much more energy when we’re single? Is it some primal, peacock-like drive to put ourselves out there on show until we find a suitable mate?

And then why, once we’ve found, dated and conquered our perfect match, does the couch suddenly look so much more attractive than a night on the town?

It’s because of all this that my husband, Denis, and I still date – each other that is. And to share the fun, we set up our own business aimed at helping make relationships and dating better for everyone.

Our baby is $30 Date Night; a date ideas website to inspire couples to keep dating each other long into their relationships.

$30 Date Night appeared when we realised that contrary to popular belief, there is no automatic Happily Ever After. We’ve discovered that if our relationship (if any relationship, for that matter) is going to have a fighting chance at success, then we need to tap into some of that single-person energy.

Which is why Den and I still date. Every week.

We take it in turns to organise the date. We do something different every time and it can’t cost more than $30 for two.

So far (among other things) we’ve been ice skating and star-gazing, got lost in a hedge maze, spent a night parked at a roulette table at the casino and, most recently, took a revealing trip to a nudist beach.

As for this column, even though I am married, I won’t just be talking matrimony. Expect a bit of everything from flirting, dating and sex to romance love, and all that falls in between. And I have to say, I’m looking forward to our standing Friday date.

Emma x

Originally Published in mX newspaper on Friday 22 January 2010