Not so for a girl I know, L.

L is a genius at scaring people off right off the bat, on account of her absolute upfront-ness about herself, her life, her innermost thoughts. She just doesn’t seem to possess the filters most people have when it comes to releasing private information. Unfortunately, it’s sent many a man racing in the opposite direction.

When it comes to building a relationship with someone (romantically inclined or otherwise), it seems there is an art to the slow reveal.

If you put out too much information of the pouring-your-heart-out kind too soon, you risk sending others running for the hills. Fact.

Scaring people off isn’t just the domain of the ladies. Many a man has suffered a case of first-date verbal diarrhoea too.

Yes, you may be heartbroken after your last girlfriend ran off with your brother, but as painful as that is, you don’t need to roll that particular story out on the first date. Or the second. Or even the third.

If you’ve just met someone, play it cool for awhile. Think of a striptease that starts naked. Where would you go from there?

One glove at a time is a much more enticing proposition. It’s intriguing, it sets the mood and it makes the audience wait breathlessly for more, instead of having them gasp with horror at the naked chick that just turned up in the middle of the room.

Sharing secrets with someone absolutely is a crucial part of building intimacy and trust.

Most couples naturally go through a flurry of information swapping in their early courtship. (Remember when you were a teenager? “What’s your favourite colour? Blue? That’s my favourite colour too!”)

Yes, self-disclosure is more than just our deepest thoughts and feelings. It’s everything from sharing your music preferences right through to long deep and meaningful conversations.

Knowing classified information about a person makes us feel closer to them. We also like people more if we know some of their secrets.

Curiously, we also like people more if we’ve shared secrets with them.

You can see why many people make the mistake of thinking that the more they can divulge upfront, the more liked they will be immediately.

But before you go hiring a skywriter to tell the world your secrets, remember this secret-divulging social custom depends on the perfect timing. One glove at a time.

Sound familiar? Do you do this? Have you been sent running by an over-eager beau?

With your individual meeting prep done, it is time to lay the ground rules for the meeting itself, and what you and your partner hope to get out of your finances. At the money meeting:

• Plan for a 20 minute meeting. This doesn’t draw out the issue and no one gets bored, tired or frustrated.
• Remove distractions. Make sure the TV is turned off and the kids are in bed, leave the phones off the hook or on silent and give your full attention to the meeting.
• Be open and honest about finances and goals. Each person should begin by explaining their approach to finances and their financial goals. This will allow you to understand what is important to your partner and you can work together to find a way to integrate both ideals into your budget. Plus, if you are aware of what your partner wants out of life, it is easier to make other financial decisions in the future regarding homes, holidays and children.
• Decide which are joint expenses. While you are sharing lives, it is up to you to decide how you want to share what is in your life. At the same time you are both bringing things to the relationship – your own car, your own TV, your own credit cards – and these can be considered individual expenses and you can total up the joint expenses such as household bills, holidays, dinners out and so on.
• Decide who will manage the finances. Having one person responsible for making the bill payments reduces the risk of late payments because ‘I thought you paid it’ or paying the same bill twice.
• Decide how to deal with emergency joint expenses. If you buy a dog when you move in together he becomes a joint expense and if he needs an emergency visit to the vet, you need an emergency plan. Does the person with the most funds in their individual account pay? Do you put it on a joint credit card? Do you set up a joint savings plan for a joint emergency fund?
• Decide how to deal with individual emergency expenses. If your car needs and emergency repair and you can’t afford it, your partner may be able to cover the costs but you need to decide how to deal with the blurring of money lines. Will it come out of joint savings? Will you keep your own savings account?

Have you ever had a money meeting with your partner? (One that didn’t end in tears?)

Stay tuned for the third and final part of this series tomorrow, in which we will learn about how to deal with uneven salaries between partners and which part of your finances to keep separate.

Timothy Ng is a personal finance writer who has a real passion for encouraging people to compare credit cards to ensure they get the best deal. Check out his comprehensive guide to best credit cards where he provides an in-depth overview and analysis, to help you find a better deal.

But how many people arm themselves with instructions on how to be in a relationship?

Not many. And certainly not many proactively. It seems to me that most people won’t seek help or guidance on how to be in a relationship until problems arise. By which time it’s usually too late.

Here are four common relationship mistakes that people make. Anything sound familiar here? I know I’m guilty of a few.

Arguing to Win, Not to Resolve

It’s far too easy to fall into the trap of keeping tally of argument wins, particularly if you’re both the stubborn type.

When arguing, try and keep on point, and try to remember that the best end goal for you both is a resolution of the problem, not another point on your imaginary scoreboard. This should help keep you both calm and civil towards each other.

Also? In light of this tip, let the little things slide. Who cares who forgot to change the toilet roll in the bathroom or who drank the last of the milk? Chillax, it’s not worth the pain.

Expecting Too Much

Oh boy, am I guilty of this one! Having major expectations of a situation or a person is always going to leave you disappointed. Bitterly, bitterly disappointed.

For example, I had this notion in my head that once we were married, we would have a wonderful honeymoon period of no arguing at all, gazing at each other lovingly for hours, wanting to spend time only together, passionate sex every day… and then Den got sick on our honeymoon and I was left to fend for myself while he played his PSP and watched DVDs in our hotel room. Not exactly the picture perfect life I had planned! I thought we’d be blissed out for months. In reality, it lasted all of three days.

Same goes when it comes to birthdays, engagements, proposals, wedding rings, gifts and more… if you have certain expectations of your partner, let them know. It’s only fair!

Letting Romance Slide

Sure, you’ve been together for years. You’ve seen each other at your worst, held each other’s hair back while throwing up into the toilet when you’re sick (or after a big night out), on the couch in trackies with unwashed hair, perhaps through childbirth. Perhaps you leave the bathroom door open.

All of which are no excuse to let the romance slide! Make an effort. Do it regularly. They don’t have to be grand gestures. Bring home a bunch of flowers. Switch off the TV and eat by candlelight at the dining table. Call from work and arrange to meet your partner at a restaurant, surprise them with tickets to a show, book a hotel room.

In short, stop every now and then and do something spontaneous for your sweetie that will blow them away and show them that you care. They deserve it! And so does your relationship.

Not Understanding the Needs of Different Personality Styles

We all need different things. Some people need lots of affection. Others need to spend quality time with their sweetie. Some need to feel looked after and some like small gifts and gestures to show that they’re loved.

Do you actually know what your partner’s Love Language is?

Find out, and use it to your advantage. It will make them happier and therefore you will be happier, and your relationship will feel more fulfilled.

These are only four common mistakes out of gosh-knows how many. Are you guilty of any of the above? Any I’ve left off that you’d like addressed?

The office – you spend most of your waking life there. Australians, in particular, are at work an average 1855 hours a year. That’s more than any other country in the Western world.

Couple that huge chunk of life energy with the mere exposure effect and BAM, you have chemistry.

Was it love at first strategy meeting? Or did the attraction slowly grow with each trip to the photocopier?

In most cases it’s the latter – thanks largely to the mere exposure effect.

It’s a well recognised psychological phenomenon, whereby the more time you spend with a person, the more attracted you feel to them – and they to you – simply by virtue of being around each other so frequently.

So what better place to find a potential partner than the office?

True, once upon a time organisations frowned on office romances. These days, though, companies have to be more adaptable to cope with the number of relationships blossoming under their noses.

Most workplaces won’t frown too heavily on employees dating, but if you are thinking of knocking socks with a cutie two cubicles over, there are a few things to consider.

1. Be sure of what you want. The last thing you think of when starting up a new relationship is how it’s going to end, but being frivolous with a co-worker’s emotions or going on dates with someone if you’re not sure you like them is playing with fire.

No matter what happens, you’re still going to have to face them on Monday morning.

Before you get involved, ask yourselves what it will be like if you break up. Will you be able to behave as adults? Can you be professional? It sucks enough just breaking up with someone, let alone losing career-cred over the matter.

2. Your boss is off limits. It’s just not a good idea to get involved with anyone directly responsible for managing you and your role. That’s when the lines between work and private life get really blurry.

Plus, you’ll continually be the butt of office gossip as all your co-workers dissect how you’re getting “preferential treatment”.

3. No funny business at work. That includes hugs, hand-holding, kisses and butt-pinches. Absolutely not appropriate for the workplace, even if everyone already knows you’re an item.

Also, tempting as it might be, no sex on the desk.

Are you dating a colleague? Love to hear about all about it.

It’s a massive change, but she has coped remarkably well with the separation, and has re-established herself as an independent woman – new house, new job, new outlook on life.

Now, after months of painful healing, her ex is having regrets about the breakup.

And her doubts are creeping back too.

“I always thought I’d be married and have kids by the time I reached 30” says Y “But now, at 28, I have to start all over again.”

So, does she take the chance and get back together with a person she’s devoted six years of her time to, or does she start looking elsewhere?

If you are a numbers kind of person, doing the maths can be daunting.

How many dates do you have to go on before you find someone you like enough to be serious with? Give it, say, at least six months to a year?

Then one to two years of co-habitation before an engagement (assuming all goes swimmingly), perhaps another year to plan a wedding and then the obligatory honeymoon period before settling down to have some babies?

You can understand why she’s considering going back to an ex that she’s already been through all the preliminaries with. But is it the smartest idea?

If you look at it clincally, it’s a bit like the stock market. When your relationship stocks are down at this age, do you pull all your money out, cut your losses and move on, or hold tight to the familiar relationship and hope no one declares bankruptcy and bails out altogether in the meantime?

The problem is, love is never clinical (or normal) and few pre-planned life-timelines run to schedule.

While some people love a good five-year plan, others shudder at the thought. As John Lennon sang, life is what happens when you’re making other plans.

Why? People change, we change, things happen.

Y is not alone in her dilemma.

Many young women can tell the same tale – just as she expects him to step up the commitment level, he withdraws altogether.

Dr. Karen Weiss of East Melbourne Psychology thinks that it’s a blessing these women find out before the nuptials.

“Women tend to stay in a relationship longer than they can really afford to, time-wise, hoping that the man will one day commit,” says Weiss “Often, the late-20s break up can be a turning point for these women.”

Weiss recommends that women in their late twenties should be looking for men in their early thirties, with a little more maturity, who are ripe for commitment.

As for Y and the move-forward-or-go-back question, my advice is: Cash in your stocks and invest in a new market. The dividends will be worth it.

The Daily Mail has reported how millions of men don’t know the most basic of details about their partner – including dress size and even eye colour.

2,000 men in the UK were questioned and it was found that 12% couldn’t recall their partner’s eye colour, 10% didn’t know her date of birth and 11% didn’t know her job title and 30% weren’t aware of their partner’s bra size.

Most of those men admitted that their girlfriend probably knew everything there was to know about them.

Apparently, it’s because men are wired differently. While small details are important for women, it just isn’t in male DNA to notice these things.

Relationship expert Francine Kaye had the following words of advice for disgruntled wives and girlfriends:

‘You can’t expect men to get it right without prompting and reminders. If you want them to remember certain details, you have to tell them. Don’t be too subtle. Say something like, “It’s coming up to Valentine’s Day, I hope you’re treating me to something nice”.’

I quizzed Den and was relieved to find he knew my eye colour, bra size and had a close approximation of my clothing size too… the poor guy can never get it right when it comes to my favourite foods, etc, because I’m known to change my mind every five seconds. I don’t even know what my favourite foods are! He at least has a good idea of what I like in my top five, and for that I am grateful.

My advice? If your man is subject to “forgetting” these things, just keep drilling them into him. Something has to stick eventually, right?

What about your beau? Does he remember the small details? If you’re a guy, do you? Do you consider it important?

I don’t believe in the ‘set up’, and especially not since one of my best friends, N. sent me on a blind date.

On paper, it should have worked perfectly.

He was cute, fun and intelligent, as promised. He even had just the right amount of eccentricity to keep me interested (I love a bit of quirkiness… past flings of mine have included a Reiki practitioner and a macrobiotic vegan).

N. certainly had my type pinned. Why wouldn’t I take a recommendation from her?

We did click. We even had a pash at the back of a dark bar later that night. And then it started to get weird. We hadn’t even wrapped up the date when…

“I can’t wait to introduce you to my parents.” (Wait, what?)

“We’re going to be so happy together, we’re perfect for each other.”
(Sorry, I can’t hear you over the alarm bells in my head!)

And then, after I had escaped to what I thought was the safety of my own home, the phone calls started. Legions of them.

I was forced to have a break up conversation with a guy I had been on one date with. Not that that put a dent in his phone-stalking. An age later, he must have realized I hadn’t taken any of his calls for months, and they stopped. As for what I had to tell my friend about this “great guy” she’d set me up with… Awkward much?

Now, I know I’m not the only one with a story like this to tell. In fact, I couldn’t find a single happy set-up story (Do email me if you have one; we’re all dying to hear it.).

I heard tales of girls turning up at apartments late at night with no invitation after only one date, abusive phone calls, broken hearts and well-meaning matchmakers caught in the middle of it all.

My theory is that you should never set people up, because no matter how much you may adore your friends, you have no idea what your friends’ moral love codes are. They can’t necessarily be trusted when it comes to relationships.

I have seen some of my dearest, most wonderful friends turn to a quivering heap of hormones and emotions around a new love interest.

If you do find yourself caught in the middle of a friend that wants to set you up, you can first try diplomatically telling them you’re not interested.

If they’re insistent, try a group scenario rather than a one-on-one set up. Your friends will make a great buffer for the night and if you hit it off, then great! But if you decide you don’t like your potential flame, then you can walk away at the end of the night – no harm, no foul.

This column was originally published in MX News on Friday 5 February 2010.

I’m friends with an ex – well she wasn’t technically a girlfriend, just someone I knocked socks with for quite some time.

We weren’t always friends… around the time I began knocking socks with Emma the Ex walked out of my life – not because of Emma, just cause it was time to let that part go. For a few years we didn’t speak and then slowly we started talking and in no time we were good friends again. We would catch up for coffee or a bite to eat on a regular basis – that was until recently.

Most of my friends are shocked that I catch up with an ex – my little sister in particular! She believes that what was in the past should remain the past and that Emma doesn’t need that kind of tension within our marriage.

But being friends with an ex doesn’t cause tension in our marriage. One thing I’ve noticed that is remarkably different in the relationship with Emma as opposed to previous ones is the trust I have in her – and vice versa.

I think it’s the trust that makes this marriage so easy. There aren’t rules that dictate who she can be friends with, or that she cannot go out without me and there are no curfews. Emma can do what she likes as long as communication remains open so I know that she’s safe – and she doesn’t make me look like a fool. Emma gives me this freedom as well.

Let it be known – Emma and I are very firm that cheating within the marriage is unacceptable and won’t be tolerated. Ok, there is one rule!

Up until recently the friendship with the Ex was great – when we met up we had fun, a lot of laughs and a good ear to talk to. It’s like we’re cut from the same mould, the friendship was easy and genuine…. until, her boyfriend decided that he couldn’t handle it anymore and told her that he wants her to stop seeing me. (Here, check out what Em’s says about people cut from the same mould and having more than one Soul-Mate)

The Ex says that there were fights over it, yelling and crying… her boyfriend just couldn’t see the point in us catching up. The end result was a goodbye over text message.

It’s strange for me not to get what I want – I usually find a way to make things work out the way I want to – but in this situation I have let go of a friendship that I cared about. It blows my mind that I have said goodbye to this friendship for a guy that I have no attachment to, for a guy that I’ve only met once… briefly! Usually I would have steamed rolled over someone who is in my way – but in this instance I did not. Her phone number has been deleted and she is no longer a friend on Facebook.

Personally… I think this whole saga is a shame. I think it could have worked out fine.

What do you think? Would you allow your partner to be friends with an ex?

Are there RULES / CONDITIONS in your relationship?

“Combine all your favourite date ideas and put them in a box! My partner and I have created the ‘Mystery Date Box’ – Each fortnight we pull one date idea out of the box and complete the date within the fortnight. The box is full of different ideas and whenever we think of a new idea, we add it to the box. It’s exciting, mysterious, thoughtful and fun!”

Brilliant! The analog version of our random date generator we have on $30 Date Night! I love the impulsiveness of it AND I especially love that these guys have a date night ritual every fortnight together.

If you like the sound of that, you know where to head for date idea inspiration. AND with our new account feature, you can get all high-tech about it and save your favorite ideas from our collection to your own private account for reference later.

Let us know if you have an awesome date ritual with your partner too!

This is what Fairfax Network reported yesterday:

“An initiative to encourage healthy teen relationships says songs by Jamie Foxx and Lady Gaga are the musical equivalent of junk food.

A teen panel working with the Boston Public Health Commission says Foxx’s Blame It and Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance and Paparazziare among the top 10 with “unhealthy relationship ingredients”.

The commission released its list based on a “nutrition label” rating popular songs on healthy relationship themes.

Mario’s Break Up topped the list of the most unhealthy relationship songs of 2009.

Among the panel’s top 10 songs with healthy themes: Miss Independent by Ne-Yo and Meet Me Halfway by the Black Eyed Peas.

The commission says its program aims to teach teens how to evaluate popular media, and help parents talk to teens about healthy relationships.

Songs with Unhealthy Relationship Ingredients (2009)

1. Break Up (feat. Gucci Mane and Sean Garrett) – Mario
2. Blame It (feat. T-Pain) – Jamie Foxx
3. Paparazzi – Lady Gaga
4. You’re a Jerk – New Boyz
5. Baby By Me – 50 Cent
6. Best I Ever – Drake
7. One More Drink (feat. T-Pain) – Ludacris
8. Be On You (feat. Ne-yo) – Flo Rida
9. Hotel Room Service – Pitbull
10. Bad Romance – Lady Gaga

Songs with Healthy Relationship Ingredients (2009)

1. One Time – Justin Bieber
2. Miss Independent – Ne-yo
3. Replay – Iyaz
4. Say Hay – Michael Franti
5. Knock You Down – Keri Hilson, Kanye West
6. Only You Can Love Me This Way – Keith Urban
7. Her Diamonds – Rob Thomas
8. I’m Yours – Jason Mraz
9. Fallin For You – Colbie Caillat
10. Meet Me Halfway – Black Eyed Peas”

What do you think? Are lyrics really harmful to forming good relationships? Is “Baby, you’ll be famous, chase you down until you love me” from Paparazzi going to breed a generation of teenage girls stalking their objects of obsession? Is “Forget about your boyfriend and meet me in the hotel room” (Hotel Room Service) going to inspire infidelity? Or are we taking things a bit far?